Balance

I'm really good at the art of doing. Like really good at it.

I enjoy getting things done and checking things off my check list. I love to: get the laundry done during the weekend,  make sure that my sink isn't filled of dishes before I go to bed; plan events for the youth at church; water and repot my plants; and many more crazy boring and mundane things but they bring me joy-- truly. I think it's more of the joy knowing that things are getting done and letting others relax and converse while I get things done. 

As much as I love to get things done, it robs me of a lot of stuff. It robs me of moments. Instead of sitting watching a movie with the fam to unwind, I'm desperately trying to get the laundry done by the end of Sunday so I don't have to do it during the crazy work week or I'm trying to get to the dishes we just used from dinner because I might just lose sleep at the thought of a full sink at night. 

But like anything in life...

balance. 

Balance drives me nuts. 

I use to imagine balance as a snarky lady with the perfected side eye look of disapproval. She would look at me disappointed, rolling her eyes hard when I would do things one way or another and not include her. When I did include her, I was nervous and thinking of all the things that needed to get done. I had a hard time enjoying balance's presence because I was busy having my to do list on my mind. I was awkward and anxious with racing thoughts. She would scoff and wouldn't even try to comfort me. 

But in reality it wasn't balance making me feel that way. It was me-- all me. My mind can get weird. I'm so incredibly hard on myself. I drive myself insane!

Balance is actually gentle. She is sweet and doesn't force anything on me. She invites me, but doesn't push. When I finally accept her invitation, she doesn't talk at me; instead, she listens while I talk and share and try to figure things out. For that, i'm grateful.

It's ok that I enjoy doing things, but I don't want it to take away from those precious moments in my life. Finding that balance of doing things and getting things done to slowing down and savoring moments with the ones I love. 

Balance is good. Balance is necessary. 

Slow down, Anais. 

Slow down every now and then, friend. 

xo

She

I walked in blindly, having no clue what my responsibilities were, what my role was, what my purpose was. I knew my heart, but I kept thinking,  “how can I make my intentions a reality?” All I knew is I loved this man and all that came with him-- his baggage, his messiness, his loveliness, and his beautiful kid. She was 3 years old when I met her. She was shy yet curious, concerned, yet interested.

As years passed, I found myself lost in what to do, how to do it, where to interject myself. Finally, we got married. We officially become a family of three. We became the Hazards. Something happened that day, something happened to me and something happened to her-- my now 9 year old - bold , curly haired step daughter. She became my baby girl and I her Ani. Not mom, not Anais, but her Ani. I love her, correct her, challenge her, push her, and adore her. And you know what? She does the same for me.

We’ve developed something special, something sweet, something different, something that is our very own. I may not have physically given birth to her, but she has helped birth the mother in me. I’ve found a courage deep within me, a grace that was unfounded, and a forgiveness that was lost. She’s helped shape me. She has no idea how much she has brought into my life; she’s brought chaos along with adventure and everything in between. I’ve found myself being stretched, pushed, and pulled in directions I didn’t even know existed.

I feel undeserving of this love, but yet it has been given to me. One of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard in this lifetime are, “I love you, Ani.” All else can be messed up in this world and everything can be turned upside down, but when I hear those words, I know all is well.

Stuck.

I've found myself at a loss for words lately.

It's like I'm stuck in some crazy sticky substance and instead of taking myself out by pulling, dragging, jerking, and yanking, I've just sat there-- tired, sometimes lonely, and sighing. It's no one's fault and there may not be any particular reason why I'm in this place, but it's where I am.

When people are talking to me, pouring their hearts out, or venting,  I'm at a loss for words.
When people are rejoicing and jumping up and down with joy, I'm at a loss for words.
When I'm struggling and frustrated, I'm at a loss for words.
Even when I'm worshiping and praying, I've been at a loss for words.

I can try the 10 steps to happiness, or the 435 strategies of highly effective people, or a walk in the sunshine, or 26 steps to super sized faith, but I'm finding that the only true remedy is to seek God. Praying, venting, and devoting to him drives and pushes me. Reading His word empowers and enlightens me.

I'm also learning that there isn't always something to say. Crying along side someone is ok, listening is an art, and jumping up and down beside the person rejoicing is beautiful. Actually, it's better to not know what to say and stay silent than not knowing what to say and saying something "just because."

So much has happened since I last posted and so much going on, you'd think I'd want to post about that.
I don't know. Maybe I'm at a loss for words AND in a weird funk. One of those days, you know?

But I'm grateful and blessed. That I know.

Some Answers...

Love wins. It is victorious. It conquers every time. 

 Love covers all offenses. 

Be the bigger person, even when you don't feel like it. 

Check your intentions. 

Speak in love. 

Ask for forgiveness from those you've hurt.

God's word breaths life. 

L o v e    G o d.

Love brings hope, which in turn brings faith, which then brings results.

Love is active; Love doesn't sit back and watch, love acts. 

Praise & worship God, He loves you and wants to hear from. 

You have a purpose, a purpose that God Himself has created just for you.

Out of love flows: thankfulness, praise, worship, diligence, forgiveness, hope...

Let go & forgive. 

Questions...

Some questions that came to mind during the love acquisition...

Am I making an idol of the idea of love, rather than loving The One who is love?

Is love proactive? If so, have I been too passive with loving?

Have I really been loving everyone or just the people that love me?

Who really bugs me? & how can I love them more?

How do I reflect love in my everyday life?

How do I show my love to God in every day life?

Is love really the greatest commandment? If it is, then why haven't I been living up to that?

When I have a certain attitude, what is the root of that attitude (be it good or bad)?

What small changes in my everyday life can I make?

Do I really love as much as I think I do?

Words are powerful; therefore, how can I speak more in love (toward others and for myself)?

How am I treating those closest to me?

How am I treating strangers?

What are the results of love?

Do I really understand that I am loved?
Am I judgmental? Even though I say I'm not...

Do actions really speak louder than words? If so, what are my actions showing?

Why do I let myself get in my own way?

Do I really have praise continuously on my lips?

Do I understand that their is a divine purpose for my life?

What is the first thing I do when I'm feeling defeated, hurt, or mad?

What do I do when I KNOW I'm right (but let's be honest, sometimes I don't really KNOW if I am or I'm just being stubborn), and the other person(s) do NOT seem to get it? How am I reacting?

Is it really necessary to be the "bigger person" ?

What are the benefits of being the "bigger person" ? What are the benefits of holding animosity and strife?
What flows from love?

I'm not trying to tear myself apart and question everything I do to make myself (or you) feel bad, but it can be a good reality check. I pray God forgive me for my selfishness, jealousy, and any other ugliness inside of me; sometimes those things creep up again and I have to work on it all over again, it's not necessarily easy. I do know that keeping my eyes on God- in everything I do, everyday- is key. Life is not life without God. Since God is love, life is not life without love.

Few Things:

1) Never receive grace in vain. 2 Corinthians 6:1

2) Put faith into action. James 1:21-24

3) Endure till the end. Matthew 10:22, Matthew 24:13

2013 is here. So many cool things happened in 2012. It was a year filled of lots of laughs, tears, growth, set backs, triumphs, and failures. Timing is key. I'm learning not to rush things, but to remain faithful and to wait upon the Lord. I learn over and over and over again, that He knows best. Sometimes I can be such a know-it-all, but really I'm clueless. hahah. 

God is beckoning me, I'm learning to be sensitive to that call, to that ever present and quiet voice. He is a loving and guiding God, along with being a just and mighty God. I just have to surrender to what He has for me. I throw my hands up and let God know, that He's in charge. "Use me, Lord. Guide me. I'm Yours." I use to be intimidated to fully surrender and be desperate for God; thinking I wasn't good enough, or that it would be too hard to follow, or that I'd get rejected. I was bringing God down to our measly and human-like demeanor. Really, God was just waiting for me to come to Him. I just had to be willing.

Don't stay down, look up to where your hope is (or should be). Ask for forgiveness for being prideful, unforgiving, and hard headed. Read His word, act on His word, bind those promises to your heart. There is more to life than just struggling and barely getting by. Even during tests, trials, and tribulation, count it as all joy-- Praise should continually be on your lips. When your mad, praise and thank Him. When your sad, praise and thank Him. When your happy, praise and thank Him. When your confused, praise and thank Him. Seek him and draw near to Him.

Jesus is THE way, THE truth, and THE life-- he's not one of many options. He is the only option.

Oh how sweet it is to know Him...