I walked in blindly, having no clue what my responsibilities were, what my role was, what my purpose was. I knew my heart, but I kept thinking, “how can I make my intentions a reality?” All I knew is I loved this man and all that came with him-- his baggage, his messiness, his loveliness, and his beautiful kid. She was 3 years old when I met her. She was shy yet curious, concerned, yet interested.
As years passed, I found myself lost in what to do, how to do it, where to interject myself. Finally, we got married. We officially become a family of three. We became the Hazards. Something happened that day, something happened to me and something happened to her-- my now 9 year old - bold , curly haired step daughter. She became my baby girl and I her Ani. Not mom, not Anais, but her Ani. I love her, correct her, challenge her, push her, and adore her. And you know what? She does the same for me.
We’ve developed something special, something sweet, something different, something that is our very own. I may not have physically given birth to her, but she has helped birth the mother in me. I’ve found a courage deep within me, a grace that was unfounded, and a forgiveness that was lost. She’s helped shape me. She has no idea how much she has brought into my life; she’s brought chaos along with adventure and everything in between. I’ve found myself being stretched, pushed, and pulled in directions I didn’t even know existed.
I feel undeserving of this love, but yet it has been given to me. One of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard in this lifetime are, “I love you, Ani.” All else can be messed up in this world and everything can be turned upside down, but when I hear those words, I know all is well.
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Thursday, June 26, 2014
On Purpose.
Life is meant to be lived. Not recklessly or without precaution, but also not with so much caution that we get caught up in the mundane living. I want to live life on purpose. I am living life on purpose, because I've been given a purpose. We've all been given a purpose. This life --and everything after-- is bigger than any of us can imagine, but we have a part to play. We have to do.
Think bigger. Stop thinking so much is out of reach. Sometimes you just have to jump with both feet, clenching your nose, heart racing with adrenaline, but knowing this is all going to be such a blast. Or like running full force, not knowing if you'll be first place, but you'll run like all heck--with everything in you, because the wind against your face feels exhilarating, the times you fell and bruises you've received don't compare to the excitement at the end.
Think kinder. Don't just mean to do good or have good intentions; just do good, be good. Raise the bar for yourself to love harder. When we raise the bar for ourselves, we're inadvertently raising the bar for others.
I know I can be self centered and self seeking a lot of times. I can also be very insecure and indecisive. God is the most patient and gracious teacher. I'm learning about sitting in the quiet stillness and to just listen, I'm learning about how important it is to have the eyes of my heart open and sensitive to God's spirit, I'm learning about how to receive correction, I'm learning to walk in love, I'm learning...
I learn best when I'm open and willing. It's not easy; it's being able to be vulnerable, it's letting your flaws hang out, but well worth it.
I think I hold back because I've become complacent and because fear holds me back. I hate being a disappointment and it can be intimidating to put myself out there without knowing the outcome. It's amazing to see what can happen when you trust God, seek Him, and go for it--full throttle. For too long I've let myself get crushed by the words of others, for too long did I live my life to please others, for too long I've coasted, for too long I've thought the life was this little bubble I had put myself in...
I want to live a life that is unashamed; filled with God's glory and wonder.
I thank God for a boyfriend that thinks bigger and just goes for it. I thank God for friends who encourage living and loving out of the box. I thank God for friends who are fearless and even when they may be fearful, they go for it. I thank God for family members and friends who love me even when I'm selfish or mess up. All that everyone is to me, I pray I can be --in some part-- to others.
xo
Think bigger. Stop thinking so much is out of reach. Sometimes you just have to jump with both feet, clenching your nose, heart racing with adrenaline, but knowing this is all going to be such a blast. Or like running full force, not knowing if you'll be first place, but you'll run like all heck--with everything in you, because the wind against your face feels exhilarating, the times you fell and bruises you've received don't compare to the excitement at the end.
Think kinder. Don't just mean to do good or have good intentions; just do good, be good. Raise the bar for yourself to love harder. When we raise the bar for ourselves, we're inadvertently raising the bar for others.
I know I can be self centered and self seeking a lot of times. I can also be very insecure and indecisive. God is the most patient and gracious teacher. I'm learning about sitting in the quiet stillness and to just listen, I'm learning about how important it is to have the eyes of my heart open and sensitive to God's spirit, I'm learning about how to receive correction, I'm learning to walk in love, I'm learning...
I learn best when I'm open and willing. It's not easy; it's being able to be vulnerable, it's letting your flaws hang out, but well worth it.
I think I hold back because I've become complacent and because fear holds me back. I hate being a disappointment and it can be intimidating to put myself out there without knowing the outcome. It's amazing to see what can happen when you trust God, seek Him, and go for it--full throttle. For too long I've let myself get crushed by the words of others, for too long did I live my life to please others, for too long I've coasted, for too long I've thought the life was this little bubble I had put myself in...
I want to live a life that is unashamed; filled with God's glory and wonder.
I thank God for a boyfriend that thinks bigger and just goes for it. I thank God for friends who encourage living and loving out of the box. I thank God for friends who are fearless and even when they may be fearful, they go for it. I thank God for family members and friends who love me even when I'm selfish or mess up. All that everyone is to me, I pray I can be --in some part-- to others.
xo
Friday, April 25, 2014
Stuck.
I've found myself at a loss for words lately.
It's like I'm stuck in some crazy sticky substance and instead of taking myself out by pulling, dragging, jerking, and yanking, I've just sat there-- tired, sometimes lonely, and sighing. It's no one's fault and there may not be any particular reason why I'm in this place, but it's where I am.
When people are talking to me, pouring their hearts out, or venting, I'm at a loss for words.
When people are rejoicing and jumping up and down with joy, I'm at a loss for words.
When I'm struggling and frustrated, I'm at a loss for words.
Even when I'm worshiping and praying, I've been at a loss for words.
I can try the 10 steps to happiness, or the 435 strategies of highly effective people, or a walk in the sunshine, or 26 steps to super sized faith, but I'm finding that the only true remedy is to seek God. Praying, venting, and devoting to him drives and pushes me. Reading His word empowers and enlightens me.
I'm also learning that there isn't always something to say. Crying along side someone is ok, listening is an art, and jumping up and down beside the person rejoicing is beautiful. Actually, it's better to not know what to say and stay silent than not knowing what to say and saying something "just because."
So much has happened since I last posted and so much going on, you'd think I'd want to post about that.
I don't know. Maybe I'm at a loss for words AND in a weird funk. One of those days, you know?
But I'm grateful and blessed. That I know.
It's like I'm stuck in some crazy sticky substance and instead of taking myself out by pulling, dragging, jerking, and yanking, I've just sat there-- tired, sometimes lonely, and sighing. It's no one's fault and there may not be any particular reason why I'm in this place, but it's where I am.
When people are talking to me, pouring their hearts out, or venting, I'm at a loss for words.
When people are rejoicing and jumping up and down with joy, I'm at a loss for words.
When I'm struggling and frustrated, I'm at a loss for words.
Even when I'm worshiping and praying, I've been at a loss for words.
I can try the 10 steps to happiness, or the 435 strategies of highly effective people, or a walk in the sunshine, or 26 steps to super sized faith, but I'm finding that the only true remedy is to seek God. Praying, venting, and devoting to him drives and pushes me. Reading His word empowers and enlightens me.
I'm also learning that there isn't always something to say. Crying along side someone is ok, listening is an art, and jumping up and down beside the person rejoicing is beautiful. Actually, it's better to not know what to say and stay silent than not knowing what to say and saying something "just because."
So much has happened since I last posted and so much going on, you'd think I'd want to post about that.
I don't know. Maybe I'm at a loss for words AND in a weird funk. One of those days, you know?
But I'm grateful and blessed. That I know.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Look Up.
What do you do when...
...two college semesters in a row go wonderfully,
...you feel so alone,
...you lose a dear friend to a tragic accident,
...you have the best times with the people you love most,
...school is over and you're faced with the scary reality,
...you go on a life-changing trip with some of the most caring, loving, sweet people,
...you're left dumb-founded and speechless,
...your heart aches,
...you feel so overwhelmingly loved,
...you miss the mark,
...you hit the mark spot on,
...you make mistakes,
...you're triumphant.
You look up to where your help, comfort, and provision come from. You look up to whom all grace and mercy flow. Whether it be during the most victorious moments in life or in the darkest moments in life-- I will look up; even when I have questions, when I'm confused, when I don't understand-- I will look up; and when I feel on top of the world, victorious, fist pumping in the air awesome-- I will look up.
Life and its experiences have provoked and even dared me to carefully examine what I believe to be true. It has challenged what I've always believed to be truth. It's made me seek out God in a real way. I've had to come face to face with the fact that God truly is my life line and foundation. He's my life line during my desperate search for answers, during my job search, during my emotional breakdowns, during the most joyous times, during life as a complete whole. I am incomplete without Jesus Christ. I am lost without the grace and love of God. All I am is in Him-- forever and always.
Grace is a gift. Mercy is granted. I am forever loved.
Growth continues.
...two college semesters in a row go wonderfully,
...you feel so alone,
...you lose a dear friend to a tragic accident,
...you have the best times with the people you love most,
...school is over and you're faced with the scary reality,
...you go on a life-changing trip with some of the most caring, loving, sweet people,
...you're left dumb-founded and speechless,
...your heart aches,
...you feel so overwhelmingly loved,
...you miss the mark,
...you hit the mark spot on,
...you make mistakes,
...you're triumphant.
You look up to where your help, comfort, and provision come from. You look up to whom all grace and mercy flow. Whether it be during the most victorious moments in life or in the darkest moments in life-- I will look up; even when I have questions, when I'm confused, when I don't understand-- I will look up; and when I feel on top of the world, victorious, fist pumping in the air awesome-- I will look up.
Life and its experiences have provoked and even dared me to carefully examine what I believe to be true. It has challenged what I've always believed to be truth. It's made me seek out God in a real way. I've had to come face to face with the fact that God truly is my life line and foundation. He's my life line during my desperate search for answers, during my job search, during my emotional breakdowns, during the most joyous times, during life as a complete whole. I am incomplete without Jesus Christ. I am lost without the grace and love of God. All I am is in Him-- forever and always.
Grace is a gift. Mercy is granted. I am forever loved.
Growth continues.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Post Missions
I'm home, folks!
Guatemala was amazing. If something can be more than amazing, it was exactly that and more. Coming home was bittersweet, more bitter than sweet. I sobbed on my last day in Guatemala. I was overwhelmed by the love bestowed on us during our stay. I've become involved with the ministry [Hearts in Action] in a way that is inexplainable-- not just financially, but now emotionally and spiritually--, I've finally met the child I sponsor for 2 years and now I have to leave him, I absolutely adore the group of people that went to Guatemala with me, and God was turning and moving things inside of me. Honestly, I'm speechless. There are no words to explain what I felt or how I am feeling. There are no words to explain the type of awe that I am in. I mean, I'm sure there is some word in the English vocabulary that can explain, but it just won't be accurate enough.
I picture God's very finger reaching down and just gently tapping my heart and my heart instantly becoming electrified. Yea, I think that's what it must be. I finally said, "Come on God! I'm ready!" I say that and then think, "Oh shoot, maybe i'm not ready," then something as amazing as a missions trip to Guatemala happens and God reminds me that He is with me, guiding me and leading me as long as I am open and willing; what a marvelous thing it is indeed.
It's not that I didn't miss some people, I did. It's just that the people of the ministry we worked with [Hearts in Action] and the people of Guatemala are so beautiful. I've always thought I was a fairly loving person. I pale in comparison to the love out poured on me during the trip. I saw siblings loving on each other in a special and precious way, I saw children who have been forgotten and given away smile at the sight of these goofy Americans bearing gifts, I saw hungry and thirsty families comfort us because our hearts had been so broken at just the sight of them, I saw children's eyes beam the love of Christ, I saw children praying with all they had in them because all they had to hold on to was the precious name of Jesus, I saw God doing a work in us as we poured out of ourselves, I saw God move.
I was frustrated at the thought of coming home. I told God, "There is so much to do here (in Guatemala)!" I was reminded by a friend, that God will continue to provide for the people of Guatemala, they are not a forgotten people to God, they will be freed. I was also reminded by a friend that there is a work to be done back home. I reside in Providence, Rhode Island for such a time as this. This is where I call home right now, it is time I rise up. How? By walking in love, by having a single-minded focus on God's will and pursuing God, by abiding in God, by seeking wisdom, by obeying, and by simply living in Him.
This Guatemala missions trip wasn't about an experience that happened in Guatemala. It's about the work that is to be done. This was like a training camp; preparing me for the future and for now. It wasn't a one time thing that was super awesome, it was a life changing event that super naturally stimulated my very core being.
Guatemala was amazing. If something can be more than amazing, it was exactly that and more. Coming home was bittersweet, more bitter than sweet. I sobbed on my last day in Guatemala. I was overwhelmed by the love bestowed on us during our stay. I've become involved with the ministry [Hearts in Action] in a way that is inexplainable-- not just financially, but now emotionally and spiritually--, I've finally met the child I sponsor for 2 years and now I have to leave him, I absolutely adore the group of people that went to Guatemala with me, and God was turning and moving things inside of me. Honestly, I'm speechless. There are no words to explain what I felt or how I am feeling. There are no words to explain the type of awe that I am in. I mean, I'm sure there is some word in the English vocabulary that can explain, but it just won't be accurate enough.
I picture God's very finger reaching down and just gently tapping my heart and my heart instantly becoming electrified. Yea, I think that's what it must be. I finally said, "Come on God! I'm ready!" I say that and then think, "Oh shoot, maybe i'm not ready," then something as amazing as a missions trip to Guatemala happens and God reminds me that He is with me, guiding me and leading me as long as I am open and willing; what a marvelous thing it is indeed.
It's not that I didn't miss some people, I did. It's just that the people of the ministry we worked with [Hearts in Action] and the people of Guatemala are so beautiful. I've always thought I was a fairly loving person. I pale in comparison to the love out poured on me during the trip. I saw siblings loving on each other in a special and precious way, I saw children who have been forgotten and given away smile at the sight of these goofy Americans bearing gifts, I saw hungry and thirsty families comfort us because our hearts had been so broken at just the sight of them, I saw children's eyes beam the love of Christ, I saw children praying with all they had in them because all they had to hold on to was the precious name of Jesus, I saw God doing a work in us as we poured out of ourselves, I saw God move.
I was frustrated at the thought of coming home. I told God, "There is so much to do here (in Guatemala)!" I was reminded by a friend, that God will continue to provide for the people of Guatemala, they are not a forgotten people to God, they will be freed. I was also reminded by a friend that there is a work to be done back home. I reside in Providence, Rhode Island for such a time as this. This is where I call home right now, it is time I rise up. How? By walking in love, by having a single-minded focus on God's will and pursuing God, by abiding in God, by seeking wisdom, by obeying, and by simply living in Him.
This Guatemala missions trip wasn't about an experience that happened in Guatemala. It's about the work that is to be done. This was like a training camp; preparing me for the future and for now. It wasn't a one time thing that was super awesome, it was a life changing event that super naturally stimulated my very core being.
"Vast ocean of love cannot be measured or explained but it can be experienced."
Not just once or twice, but ALWAYS.
"Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong." Ephesians 3:17
More posts and pictures coming soon!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Few Things:
1) Never receive grace in vain. 2 Corinthians 6:1
2) Put faith into action. James 1:21-24
3) Endure till the end. Matthew 10:22, Matthew 24:13
2013 is here. So many cool things happened in 2012. It was a year filled of lots of laughs, tears, growth, set backs, triumphs, and failures. Timing is key. I'm learning not to rush things, but to remain faithful and to wait upon the Lord. I learn over and over and over again, that He knows best. Sometimes I can be such a know-it-all, but really I'm clueless. hahah.
God is beckoning me, I'm learning to be sensitive to that call, to that ever present and quiet voice. He is a loving and guiding God, along with being a just and mighty God. I just have to surrender to what He has for me. I throw my hands up and let God know, that He's in charge. "Use me, Lord. Guide me. I'm Yours." I use to be intimidated to fully surrender and be desperate for God; thinking I wasn't good enough, or that it would be too hard to follow, or that I'd get rejected. I was bringing God down to our measly and human-like demeanor. Really, God was just waiting for me to come to Him. I just had to be willing.
Don't stay down, look up to where your hope is (or should be). Ask for forgiveness for being prideful, unforgiving, and hard headed. Read His word, act on His word, bind those promises to your heart. There is more to life than just struggling and barely getting by. Even during tests, trials, and tribulation, count it as all joy-- Praise should continually be on your lips. When your mad, praise and thank Him. When your sad, praise and thank Him. When your happy, praise and thank Him. When your confused, praise and thank Him. Seek him and draw near to Him.
Jesus is THE way, THE truth, and THE life-- he's not one of many options. He is the only option.
Oh how sweet it is to know Him...
Don't stay down, look up to where your hope is (or should be). Ask for forgiveness for being prideful, unforgiving, and hard headed. Read His word, act on His word, bind those promises to your heart. There is more to life than just struggling and barely getting by. Even during tests, trials, and tribulation, count it as all joy-- Praise should continually be on your lips. When your mad, praise and thank Him. When your sad, praise and thank Him. When your happy, praise and thank Him. When your confused, praise and thank Him. Seek him and draw near to Him.
Jesus is THE way, THE truth, and THE life-- he's not one of many options. He is the only option.
Oh how sweet it is to know Him...
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