As a kid, I watched people carefully; I listened carefully to the things they said and attentively watched as they interacted with each other. I never really reacted to much, but I soaked it all in. I would replay things I saw over and over in my head to try and make sense of it; if I couldn't make sense of it, I would make up a story that made sense to me and helped me put the pieces of the puzzle together. You know, like when you see two people walking and one has a scowl, while the other is walking in determination-- well, the story I'd make up to that is: one person tried to speak their mind, while the other totally disagreed and lashed out and was going to prove why they disagree by taking them to the very spot the incident happened to prove why they are wrong and to rub it in their face. Then maybe they'd make up and laugh it off and decided it was a stupid argument to begin with. You know, something like that.
I've always been a people watcher. I'm observant and some times read too much into things.
I'd watch as my family members spoke and treated each other and how they treated me. I'd watch as my parents did the best they could with what they knew and what they had. I craved to know people's stories and I craved to be loved and let others know about love-- even though I knew so little about it. I thought of love as a game. You needed a certain amount of something to be loved or deserve love. I'm not sure where this idea came from, because like I said, my parents did the best they could with what they knew and what they had. I know they loved me and love me. I thought love was on a deserve-only basis. You did this, you get love. You did a little more of this, and you might just get a little more love. I'm not sure if it was all I soaked in from my people watching ways or what, but I had this twisted way of thinking. As a result, I grew up thinking I wasn't sure I was deserving of much. I over compensated and over thought everything. I was determined to not let anyone think I wasn't deserving, so I did all things seemingly possible to deserve as much as possible-- not materialistically, but emotionally. I thought I just wanted some positive recognition, but I think the root of it all was that I just wanted some love.
I started going to church with my family at 8 years old. That's the funny thing about church, it doesn't mean anything to one's self until WE have our OWN encounter with the Lord. It tok a long time for me to know the love of Christ; undeserving, unfailing, and fulfilling love. Then, God was gracious enough to bless me with a husband that loves me so beautifully. He loves me enough to call me out when needed, to remind me of who I am in Christ, and to love me in all my messiness. I've always been loved, I just didn't know it.
& so are you. Walk in it and believe it.
xo
