Giving Thanks

I could not wait for the long weekend of Thanksgiving. I looked forward to time with my family, to sleeping in, to delicious food, to being reminiscent of all the great things I've had the opportunity to experience, and to just catch my breath for the first time in a while. Our lives have been so nonstop, so busy, and so go - go - go. Thursday came and I woke up WITHOUT an alarm. I was in all my glory. I also had a special announcement to make to my family. I was giddy and silly and all sorts of nervous and excited inside. The day was better than I imagined. I started the night by playing heads up with my family which is always a good time. We played and yelled and laughed so incredibly hard. The night ended with my husband's side of the family-- which consisted of a dance party in the kitchen at like 10 o'clock at night. We danced and smiled and had no intentions of letting the fun stop.

My special announcement to the fam was a hit. I wore this shirt and they all couldn't help but just love on Jamaal and I in celebration.

Dare I say the day was pretty perfect. 

On Friday, I woke up on cloud 9 from the day before. I was so happy to tell the family the good news. Finally, things seems to be coming together-- our lives are taking off and we're adulting hard and we're loving it. Again, I woke up with NO alarm. I couldn't believe it. No alarm makes me so happy. No one was awake. The house was peaceful. It was just me and my little kidney bean sized baby in the living room enjoying the quiet and hot cup of coffee. As the morning went on, I realized I really wasn't feeling well. I decided to call my doctor and they prompted me to go to the hospital. Long story short, my friends, 4 hours later, we get the absolutely horrifying news that our little baby no longer had a heart beat. No heart beat. That is what replayed in my head over and over and over again. 

I only knew about this baby of ours for 3 weeks. In those 3 weeks, my step daughter, husband, and I came up with names. I pictured our lives with him (we like to think it was going to be a baby boy). I imagined his room. I imagined his hair and eyes and chunky thighs. I envisioned our baby shower. I couldn't wait to tell my friends and to tell the public. I have friends that are pregnant and I can be pregnant with them! But no. Not this time. In a split second all that was gone. No heart beat. Now all I have are cramps and other symptoms that constantly remind me that my baby didn't make it. I don't know why, I don't know how. But he didn't. 

But I still thank God. I thank God for family and friends that are loving and supportive-- friends and family that have cried with me and just held me and are patient with me. I thank God for a step daughter that loves us and is sensitive enough to actually comfort me and share in the hurt with me. I thank God for a husband that is patient and comforting and strong and loving. I thank God for christmas music that has reminded me of His goodness above all else. I don't know why and I don't know how, but I know our days to have a baby will come. I'm still hurt and i'm still very much sad, but God is still good. 

I'm not sure why I found the need to write this. Maybe it is a release for me. Maybe it is for people to know that we go through things. Maybe it was to let others know that they are not alone. If you've experienced this then I'm sorry. It's such a weird type of grief or sadness because you haven't met this person yet, but you know that you know that you know that you love them already beyond measure. It's like this opportunity was just taken away. Like what? 2 seconds ago it was there and now it isn't? 

It's so hard. It's so sad. It's devastating. 

But we will keep believing for a healthy baby. We will keep giving thanks. We will keep going, because if we don't hold on to hope then what else is there to hold on to?