Temporary...

Yesterday it hit me, like really hit me, this is all just temporary.

Everything is temporary, but we all have an eternal destination.

In heaven...
we'll be reunited with those we so desperatly miss,
we won't have to worry about drowning in paper work and loosing sleep over deadlines,
we will live forever in a perfect body,
we won't have time consuming things that take us away from our loved ones & just make life boringly busy,
we will be free from all sickness & disease,
we will be worry- free,
we will be face to face with our maker.
I picture laughing a lot in heaven too; laughing and having a good ole time.

Although I have a purpose and know that I have things to do on earth, I look forward to the eternal and more life I have yet to live. Because I have a Savior, Jesus Christ, that decided I was worth dying for, because I know that He rose again & is coming back, because I know I serve a God that is bigger, all knowing, and never failing. I'm encouraged by God's mercies & graces everyday, I'm grateful for new life, I'm relieved that life here on earth isn't all there is to it-- it's just temporary.

& hair. Hair is temporary; therefore I CHOPPED it. 

Addicted

One month off social media...

Well, all but snapchat.

I think I was addicted. FB, Twitter, Instagram; although fun, I may have been a little social media addicted. I can't complain; it keeps me in touch with family & friends; it's a place where people can share ideas; a place where people can express themselves; it's a place I can compile my thoughts...

Although all of the above are fun & wonderful, I've seen a darker and ugly side of it. Sadly, I've taken part in it: the FB stalking, the people bashing, the bullying, the show offs...

I'll be back to social media, but it can be hard & draining. Taking a break is good. I've become reflective; in a way unlike times before. I'm learning about myself, I've had more quiet time (which can be scary for me sometimes, I can get lost in my thoughts), I've focused more on my career as a teacher & as a student, and more indescribable beautiful and strange things have happened while away from it all. I'm reading more, learning more, and thinking more.

Life is hard with unexpected bumps, dips, ditches, & deep dark holes that seem inescapable. I think social media can help, but it really hurts too. Let's think before we speak/type, don't add to messiness of it all, let's help each other. I don't expect us all to get together and sing kumbaya (sp?) around a camp fire, but let's do what we can.

Cheers.

Nothingness

One of the worst feelings is when you can see a relationship you hold so dear to your heart go stale and come to a hault. Unknowingly, I was in this position with my relationship with God. God and I wrestled all summer. I wanted to know Him and please him, but I felt so unworthy. I know I am undeserving of His love, yet He loves me. It's an overwhelmingly beautiful thought.

I came to a point where I was wondering, "God, if I have nothing to offer, why love me?" I love to see people smile. I love to make people happy. I beat myself up and usually think something is my fault when something gets all muddled up. I saw myself as incapable of pleasing Him, because I didn't even deserve His love to begin with. I began to do everything in my [own] power to please Him. Whatever looked good, I did. I was so desperate trying to please Him, that I forgot that He loves me-- just because. I forgot about how much I loved Him. 

I had become tired, worn out, and ended up feeling even more unworthy of His grand love. I would get mad at myself and always looked at what I was doing wrong. I couldn't figure God out, I couldn't understand how a God so big and so wonderful could love me and know my name. Instead of thanking God for His forgiveness, abundant mercies, and forever grace, I questioned and became skeptical. I was unsure of myself and became lost in my thoughts.  

Then I had a revelation while broken, doubtful, and unfulfilled-- that God loves me. He loves me. He wants me to run into His wide open arms. That's where I feel at rest, that's where I feel accepted and understood, that's where all my doubts and insecurities melt away. Do I still struggle and fight ? Oh yea, for sure. BUT I know that I know, that I am forgiven, freed, and loved. I just want to worship Him for being who He is and praise Him for all the things He's done-- forever and always. 

Here's to opening up and being vulnerable - even when it's uncomfortable; here's to an everlasting love; here's to being OK with questions and learning; here's to wanting to know Him more; here's to all God is.

Even when I feel like nothing, God thinks everything of me.

Heavy

Today I found myself getting ready for a 14 year old's wake. Tomorrow I attend his funeral. Six days ago I learned he was missing, five days ago I learned he took his own life. Just a little over a month ago I saw him graduate the 8th grade. I beamed with pride, that day, watching all the 8th graders graduate. Today my heart aches, knowing I won't accidentally run into him and I won't be able to hear about how high school is going...

It may be difficult for me because this is my first death as a teacher, maybe it'll happen again throughout my career, but even then I'll still hurt. Maybe this is difficult because this young man always reminded me of a friend of mine that passed away in October 2013. They were both tall, sandy hair, funny, well liked, over thinkers. It just hurts and it's sad. No fancy way to say it, no explanation to give.

I chose a profession that requires me to be available emotionally and intellectually, which in turn, affects me physically; Especially because I take my job as a teacher so serious. Does it NEED to take all of that from me? I guess not, but it does for me. I'm so invested in my teaching career. I want the students I come across to know that I believe in them, because I truly and honestly do believe in them.

I think the most challenging thing about my job is not the parents, behavior management, administration, or the academics. I think the most challenging thing is seeing something in a child and knowing the possibilities that lie within them, but them not seeing it in themselves or not utilizing what has been put inside them. You just want to shake them when they don't listen, hug them when they hurt, and protect them from anything that will hurt them. Obviously, there are certain boundaries that I can not cross as a teacher. That's the most difficult. Who knows why they are the way they are, but I want them to know that Miss. Arias will do all she can to help you succeed, will advocate, will listen, and will push.

When someone passes away you start to think about all the times spent with that person-- What did I say last? Why did we argue that one time? What did they think of me? It's burdensome. Every moment is crucial.

 My everyday life is a ministry. I am called to be the light, the salt, the vessel. I have a lot of "why" questions, it all has me wondering, but one thing I do know is that God knows where I am. He loves me right where I am and I love Him. And for that, I am grateful.

On Purpose.

Life is meant to be lived. Not recklessly or without precaution, but also not with so much caution that we get caught up in the mundane living. I want to live life on purpose. I am living life on purpose, because I've been given a purpose. We've all been given a purpose. This life --and everything after-- is bigger than any of us can imagine, but we have a part to play. We have to do.

Think bigger. Stop thinking so much is out of reach. Sometimes you just have to jump with both feet, clenching your nose, heart racing with adrenaline, but knowing this is all going to be such a blast. Or like running full force, not knowing if you'll be first place, but you'll run like all heck--with everything in you, because the wind against your face feels exhilarating, the times you fell and bruises you've received don't compare to the excitement at the end.
Think kinder. Don't just mean to do good or have good intentions; just do good, be good. Raise the bar for yourself to love harder. When we raise the bar for ourselves, we're inadvertently raising the bar for others.

I know I can be self centered and self seeking a lot of times. I can also be very insecure and indecisive. God is the most patient and gracious teacher. I'm learning about sitting in the quiet stillness and to just listen, I'm learning about how important it is to have the eyes of my heart open and sensitive to God's spirit, I'm learning about how to receive correction, I'm learning to walk in love, I'm learning...
I learn best when I'm open and willing. It's not easy; it's being able to be vulnerable, it's letting your flaws hang out, but well worth it.

I think I hold back because I've become complacent and because fear holds me back. I hate being a disappointment and it can be intimidating to put myself out there without knowing the outcome. It's amazing to see what can happen when you trust God, seek Him, and go for it--full throttle. For too long I've let myself get crushed by the words of others, for too long did I live my life to please others, for too long I've coasted, for too long I've thought the life was this little bubble I had put myself in...

I want to live a life that is unashamed; filled with God's glory and wonder. 

I thank God for a boyfriend that thinks bigger and just goes for it. I thank God for friends who encourage living and loving out of the box. I thank God for friends who are fearless and even when they may be fearful, they go for it. I thank God for family members and friends who love me even when I'm selfish or mess up. All that everyone is to me, I pray I can be --in some part-- to others.


xo

Stuck.

I've found myself at a loss for words lately.

It's like I'm stuck in some crazy sticky substance and instead of taking myself out by pulling, dragging, jerking, and yanking, I've just sat there-- tired, sometimes lonely, and sighing. It's no one's fault and there may not be any particular reason why I'm in this place, but it's where I am.

When people are talking to me, pouring their hearts out, or venting,  I'm at a loss for words.
When people are rejoicing and jumping up and down with joy, I'm at a loss for words.
When I'm struggling and frustrated, I'm at a loss for words.
Even when I'm worshiping and praying, I've been at a loss for words.

I can try the 10 steps to happiness, or the 435 strategies of highly effective people, or a walk in the sunshine, or 26 steps to super sized faith, but I'm finding that the only true remedy is to seek God. Praying, venting, and devoting to him drives and pushes me. Reading His word empowers and enlightens me.

I'm also learning that there isn't always something to say. Crying along side someone is ok, listening is an art, and jumping up and down beside the person rejoicing is beautiful. Actually, it's better to not know what to say and stay silent than not knowing what to say and saying something "just because."

So much has happened since I last posted and so much going on, you'd think I'd want to post about that.
I don't know. Maybe I'm at a loss for words AND in a weird funk. One of those days, you know?

But I'm grateful and blessed. That I know.

Look Up.

What do you do when...

...two college semesters in a row go wonderfully,
...you feel so alone,
...you lose a dear friend to a tragic accident,
...you have the best times with the people you love most,
...school is over and you're faced with the scary reality,
...you go on a life-changing trip with some of the most caring, loving, sweet people,
...you're left dumb-founded and speechless,
...your heart aches,
...you feel so overwhelmingly loved,
...you miss the mark,
...you hit the mark spot on,
...you make mistakes,
...you're triumphant.

You look up to where your help, comfort, and provision come from. You look up to whom all grace and mercy flow. Whether it be during the most victorious moments in life or in the darkest moments in life-- I will look up; even when I have questions, when I'm confused, when I don't understand-- I will look up; and when I feel on top of the world, victorious, fist pumping in the air awesome-- I will look up.

Life and its experiences have provoked and even dared me to carefully examine what I believe to be true. It has challenged what I've always believed to be truth. It's made me seek out God in a real way. I've had to come face to face with the fact that God truly is my life line and foundation. He's my life line during my desperate search for answers, during my job search, during my emotional breakdowns, during the most joyous times, during life as a complete whole. I am incomplete without Jesus Christ. I am lost without the grace and love of God. All I am is in Him-- forever and always.

Grace is a gift. Mercy is granted. I am forever loved.




Growth continues.