What Coulda Been...

The second I found out I was pregnant I thought about what I would put on the baby registry. It was all so brand new and I had so much fun doing my wedding registry that I couldn't wait for my cute little hershey kiss of a baby to have all the beautiful things. I would eye Target's baby section HARD.

Now, when I walk by the Target's baby section, I look away. When I see a cute little baby bump I smile, but I hurt a little on the inside. When I see cute little chunka babies I coo in awe, but I'm wishing I knew what my chunka would have looked like. "What could have been..." 

I think people wonder if I'm mad at God or if I'm resentful or walking around crying. I'm not. But I'm hurt. I'm sad. I wonder about what he would have looked like and be like. What would we have looked like once he came. That's all I can do; wonder. I am going to be OK and I will move on in life. But that does not lessen the hurt or the fact that I would have been 12 weeks pregnant tomorrow had his beautiful heart not stopped. I want to feel every bit of this, because feeling hurt is what keeps me connected to this baby somehow; to my baby. I'm not walking around moping and sobbing; but my heart aches for a baby. A baby that had a due date of July 1st; a baby we anticipated; a baby we loved and longed for; a baby we treasured the second that 1st pregnancy test said PREGNANT. Even more when the 2nd test said pregnant. And even more when we heard his heart beat at just 6 weeks old. She even said, "That's a strong heartbeat!" Ugh, I loved him. I love him.

I don't blame God but a very small part of me blamed myself. The one place my baby boy was supposed to be safe and develop was in me and that didn't happen for some reason. All these scenarios played in my head. No one blamed me, but me. I do that to myself though. I am my harshest critic. I even critique how I grieve. I need to let me be. I appreciate everyone being so sweet and kind and patient as I figure out what to do next and how to just be. Please don't stay away because you are pregnant or have a little chunka. I want to see them-- but sometimes it is just a little difficult for me; but I still love them! It's something that I just have to deal with. Some days are better than others. That's just where I'm at right now and I need that to be OK.

So now, life continues. You cramp, you hurt, you cry, you grieve, and you live I guess. There are people that don't know that will ask, "When are you guys having one?!"-- ouch. And that's just what it is.  Life is crazy, unpredictable, and beautiful. How can something be all those things at once?  It just is. That's it. I need to stop overanalyzing and over complicating and just know that God is holding me close. Period.

This post is so scattered with so many different thoughts, but that's how I am lately. Scattered with all these different thoughts, feelings, emotions. I'm on the floor desperately trying to pick up different pieces of a shattered situation. But that's just it, I don't have to do that. Yet I find myself doing that all the time. I need to remember that God has got me; he always has and always will.

sigh...

Giving Thanks

I could not wait for the long weekend of Thanksgiving. I looked forward to time with my family, to sleeping in, to delicious food, to being reminiscent of all the great things I've had the opportunity to experience, and to just catch my breath for the first time in a while. Our lives have been so nonstop, so busy, and so go - go - go. Thursday came and I woke up WITHOUT an alarm. I was in all my glory. I also had a special announcement to make to my family. I was giddy and silly and all sorts of nervous and excited inside. The day was better than I imagined. I started the night by playing heads up with my family which is always a good time. We played and yelled and laughed so incredibly hard. The night ended with my husband's side of the family-- which consisted of a dance party in the kitchen at like 10 o'clock at night. We danced and smiled and had no intentions of letting the fun stop.

My special announcement to the fam was a hit. I wore this shirt and they all couldn't help but just love on Jamaal and I in celebration.

Dare I say the day was pretty perfect. 

On Friday, I woke up on cloud 9 from the day before. I was so happy to tell the family the good news. Finally, things seems to be coming together-- our lives are taking off and we're adulting hard and we're loving it. Again, I woke up with NO alarm. I couldn't believe it. No alarm makes me so happy. No one was awake. The house was peaceful. It was just me and my little kidney bean sized baby in the living room enjoying the quiet and hot cup of coffee. As the morning went on, I realized I really wasn't feeling well. I decided to call my doctor and they prompted me to go to the hospital. Long story short, my friends, 4 hours later, we get the absolutely horrifying news that our little baby no longer had a heart beat. No heart beat. That is what replayed in my head over and over and over again. 

I only knew about this baby of ours for 3 weeks. In those 3 weeks, my step daughter, husband, and I came up with names. I pictured our lives with him (we like to think it was going to be a baby boy). I imagined his room. I imagined his hair and eyes and chunky thighs. I envisioned our baby shower. I couldn't wait to tell my friends and to tell the public. I have friends that are pregnant and I can be pregnant with them! But no. Not this time. In a split second all that was gone. No heart beat. Now all I have are cramps and other symptoms that constantly remind me that my baby didn't make it. I don't know why, I don't know how. But he didn't. 

But I still thank God. I thank God for family and friends that are loving and supportive-- friends and family that have cried with me and just held me and are patient with me. I thank God for a step daughter that loves us and is sensitive enough to actually comfort me and share in the hurt with me. I thank God for a husband that is patient and comforting and strong and loving. I thank God for christmas music that has reminded me of His goodness above all else. I don't know why and I don't know how, but I know our days to have a baby will come. I'm still hurt and i'm still very much sad, but God is still good. 

I'm not sure why I found the need to write this. Maybe it is a release for me. Maybe it is for people to know that we go through things. Maybe it was to let others know that they are not alone. If you've experienced this then I'm sorry. It's such a weird type of grief or sadness because you haven't met this person yet, but you know that you know that you know that you love them already beyond measure. It's like this opportunity was just taken away. Like what? 2 seconds ago it was there and now it isn't? 

It's so hard. It's so sad. It's devastating. 

But we will keep believing for a healthy baby. We will keep giving thanks. We will keep going, because if we don't hold on to hope then what else is there to hold on to?

Balance

I'm really good at the art of doing. Like really good at it.

I enjoy getting things done and checking things off my check list. I love to: get the laundry done during the weekend,  make sure that my sink isn't filled of dishes before I go to bed; plan events for the youth at church; water and repot my plants; and many more crazy boring and mundane things but they bring me joy-- truly. I think it's more of the joy knowing that things are getting done and letting others relax and converse while I get things done. 

As much as I love to get things done, it robs me of a lot of stuff. It robs me of moments. Instead of sitting watching a movie with the fam to unwind, I'm desperately trying to get the laundry done by the end of Sunday so I don't have to do it during the crazy work week or I'm trying to get to the dishes we just used from dinner because I might just lose sleep at the thought of a full sink at night. 

But like anything in life...

balance. 

Balance drives me nuts. 

I use to imagine balance as a snarky lady with the perfected side eye look of disapproval. She would look at me disappointed, rolling her eyes hard when I would do things one way or another and not include her. When I did include her, I was nervous and thinking of all the things that needed to get done. I had a hard time enjoying balance's presence because I was busy having my to do list on my mind. I was awkward and anxious with racing thoughts. She would scoff and wouldn't even try to comfort me. 

But in reality it wasn't balance making me feel that way. It was me-- all me. My mind can get weird. I'm so incredibly hard on myself. I drive myself insane!

Balance is actually gentle. She is sweet and doesn't force anything on me. She invites me, but doesn't push. When I finally accept her invitation, she doesn't talk at me; instead, she listens while I talk and share and try to figure things out. For that, i'm grateful.

It's ok that I enjoy doing things, but I don't want it to take away from those precious moments in my life. Finding that balance of doing things and getting things done to slowing down and savoring moments with the ones I love. 

Balance is good. Balance is necessary. 

Slow down, Anais. 

Slow down every now and then, friend. 

xo