Balance

I'm really good at the art of doing. Like really good at it.

I enjoy getting things done and checking things off my check list. I love to: get the laundry done during the weekend,  make sure that my sink isn't filled of dishes before I go to bed; plan events for the youth at church; water and repot my plants; and many more crazy boring and mundane things but they bring me joy-- truly. I think it's more of the joy knowing that things are getting done and letting others relax and converse while I get things done. 

As much as I love to get things done, it robs me of a lot of stuff. It robs me of moments. Instead of sitting watching a movie with the fam to unwind, I'm desperately trying to get the laundry done by the end of Sunday so I don't have to do it during the crazy work week or I'm trying to get to the dishes we just used from dinner because I might just lose sleep at the thought of a full sink at night. 

But like anything in life...

balance. 

Balance drives me nuts. 

I use to imagine balance as a snarky lady with the perfected side eye look of disapproval. She would look at me disappointed, rolling her eyes hard when I would do things one way or another and not include her. When I did include her, I was nervous and thinking of all the things that needed to get done. I had a hard time enjoying balance's presence because I was busy having my to do list on my mind. I was awkward and anxious with racing thoughts. She would scoff and wouldn't even try to comfort me. 

But in reality it wasn't balance making me feel that way. It was me-- all me. My mind can get weird. I'm so incredibly hard on myself. I drive myself insane!

Balance is actually gentle. She is sweet and doesn't force anything on me. She invites me, but doesn't push. When I finally accept her invitation, she doesn't talk at me; instead, she listens while I talk and share and try to figure things out. For that, i'm grateful.

It's ok that I enjoy doing things, but I don't want it to take away from those precious moments in my life. Finding that balance of doing things and getting things done to slowing down and savoring moments with the ones I love. 

Balance is good. Balance is necessary. 

Slow down, Anais. 

Slow down every now and then, friend. 

xo

Growing Pains.

Day 25 of the 30 Day No Makeup Challenge.

This has become more than I could have ever imagined it to be.

 I've found myself crying more than usual (Yes, that is actually possible). I finally asked God on Sunday in utter anguish, "God, why in the world have I been crying so much? What am I missing? Why has my heart been hurting?" I was driving on the high way and anyone who drove by me may have thought I was absolutely insane, because I was crying, talking to myself, and yelling at some points, and then all of a sudden I just took a deep breath and felt a sense of peace. Then I was reminded - and I know it was a gentle reminder from God- that I am doing what God is telling me to do. I keep asking Him, what is it that you want me to do, why am I crying, what do I need to do next, why am I feeling like this....

Then He reminds me, "Anais, you are doing what i've asked of you. You are growing, you are being stretched, you are being used for My glory, you are learning to live your life as a living sacrifice."

That's when I felt a sense of peace. I cried, yelled, pouted, whined, and it compares to a child crying because they're teething and nothing soothes it, but they are going to be so happy when they finally have those chompers in and can properly eat REAL food. God is telling me, " Hold on, I got you, keep going...This is all worth it. I love you."

It can also compare to when addicts go thru rehab, their body goes thru such horrible withdrawals, that some of them think they are going to literally die. Their body was so use to the junk the person was feeding their body, that now the body feels as if it can not function without the junk. When in reality, if they give it time, take care of themselves, and stick with it, their body is going to feel on top of the world once completely healed. BUT that hard time they went thru, where they were uncomfortable, felt like they were about to die, were they hated how they felt--was necessary; totally necessary. That's how growing in the Lord is for me right now. It can feel agonizing, tiresome, difficult, and sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on good times; but, if I just stick with it, keep my eyes on the Lord......Man, my measly  human mind can not even begin to imagine the possibilities. If one just surrenders to God's doing, God will use you for things that are bigger than yourself.

BUT I've had to change my way of thinking, I've had to let go of some people, I've had to stop doing certain things, I've had to alter my life. I'm finally living my life for the One who gave me this life to live. My heart aches thinking of the people i've had to let go or distance myself from, but it is necessary. I still love them, I can still talk to them, but my life is going in a different direction, and I can not just pick up everyone around me and take them with me-as much as I would love to- they have to make the decision to surrender and grow on their own. All I can do, is live by example and pray that even in my mess ups, God is glorified and exemplified.

God use me.

darkiness2Light

I've gone from darkness to Light.

From feeling condemned and alone,

to being forgiven and free.

I've gone from depressed and lost,

to finding true happiness and meaning.

From deceit and lies, 

to truth and love.

I went from having a heart of stone,

to having a heart of flesh; softened and ready to receive. 

I was roaming this world aimlessly; Just wondering what direction to go.

Now, I have a purposeful life; filled with prosperous moments and hope.  

He let me trade beauty for ashes;

Riches for my filthy rags;

I was given a directed endeavor for my utter uselessness; 

And I now have passionate pursuit in place of lack of motivation. 

I was dead, and now I'm very much alive.

I am sanctified by faith. 

I am chosen. 

I am called.

I am loved.

I am His very own.

I am out of the darkness and into HIS marvelous light.