Today I found myself getting ready for a 14 year old's wake. Tomorrow I attend his funeral. Six days ago I learned he was missing, five days ago I learned he took his own life. Just a little over a month ago I saw him graduate the 8th grade. I beamed with pride, that day, watching all the 8th graders graduate. Today my heart aches, knowing I won't accidentally run into him and I won't be able to hear about how high school is going...
It may be difficult for me because this is my first death as a teacher, maybe it'll happen again throughout my career, but even then I'll still hurt. Maybe this is difficult because this young man always reminded me of a friend of mine that passed away in October 2013. They were both tall, sandy hair, funny, well liked, over thinkers. It just hurts and it's sad. No fancy way to say it, no explanation to give.
I chose a profession that requires me to be available emotionally and intellectually, which in turn, affects me physically; Especially because I take my job as a teacher so serious. Does it NEED to take all of that from me? I guess not, but it does for me. I'm so invested in my teaching career. I want the students I come across to know that I believe in them, because I truly and honestly do believe in them.
I think the most challenging thing about my job is not the parents, behavior management, administration, or the academics. I think the most challenging thing is seeing something in a child and knowing the possibilities that lie within them, but them not seeing it in themselves or not utilizing what has been put inside them. You just want to shake them when they don't listen, hug them when they hurt, and protect them from anything that will hurt them. Obviously, there are certain boundaries that I can not cross as a teacher. That's the most difficult. Who knows why they are the way they are, but I want them to know that Miss. Arias will do all she can to help you succeed, will advocate, will listen, and will push.
When someone passes away you start to think about all the times spent with that person-- What did I say last? Why did we argue that one time? What did they think of me? It's burdensome. Every moment is crucial.
My everyday life is a ministry. I am called to be the light, the salt, the vessel. I have a lot of "why" questions, it all has me wondering, but one thing I do know is that God knows where I am. He loves me right where I am and I love Him. And for that, I am grateful.
