I came to a point where I was wondering, "God, if I have nothing to offer, why love me?" I love to see people smile. I love to make people happy. I beat myself up and usually think something is my fault when something gets all muddled up. I saw myself as incapable of pleasing Him, because I didn't even deserve His love to begin with. I began to do everything in my [own] power to please Him. Whatever looked good, I did. I was so desperate trying to please Him, that I forgot that He loves me-- just because. I forgot about how much I loved Him.
I had become tired, worn out, and ended up feeling even more unworthy of His grand love. I would get mad at myself and always looked at what I was doing wrong. I couldn't figure God out, I couldn't understand how a God so big and so wonderful could love me and know my name. Instead of thanking God for His forgiveness, abundant mercies, and forever grace, I questioned and became skeptical. I was unsure of myself and became lost in my thoughts.
Then I had a revelation while broken, doubtful, and unfulfilled-- that God loves me. He loves me. He wants me to run into His wide open arms. That's where I feel at rest, that's where I feel accepted and understood, that's where all my doubts and insecurities melt away. Do I still struggle and fight ? Oh yea, for sure. BUT I know that I know, that I am forgiven, freed, and loved. I just want to worship Him for being who He is and praise Him for all the things He's done-- forever and always.
Here's to opening up and being vulnerable - even when it's uncomfortable; here's to an everlasting love; here's to being OK with questions and learning; here's to wanting to know Him more; here's to all God is.
Even when I feel like nothing, God thinks everything of me.
