Overthinking

Isolation is a scary place to be. You feel alone, secluded, and desperate for answers. Well, that's how I felt anyways. My pregnancy has been going fabulously well and i'm physically feeling really good; aside from some heartburn, some morning sickness, nausea, hip discomfort, and exhaustion-- but it comes with the territory and I'm embracing it all. Plus, I've heard such horror stories from people and I've decided that this pregnancy has gone relatively well in comparison to some nutty stories I've heard. Regardless of feeling physically great, I found myself emotionally all over the place.

I'm usually an over thinker at heart, so there is no surprise there; but pregnancy took it to a whole 'nother level. Over thinking: what life after this baby will look like; leaving work; returning to work; expectations I put on myself as a wife; being a pregnant wife; being a wife and a mom to a baby; being a pregnant step mom; being a step mom with an infant... the list went on. My overthinking led me to be in this weird place of isolation. A place that caused me to internalize my feelings, feeling secluded and alone. I often wondered if my feelings were normal or acceptable. Were the thoughts I had something that others felt? Did people feel alone as a pregnant step mom? or just as a step mom in general? Or alone as a wife unable to explain the journey of pregnancy to their husband? There was no rhyme or reason to me feeling this way other than the pressure I put on myself. And rather than talking about how I felt, I let it fester and continuously walk in mindless circles wondering if others felt the way I felt. I put such an enormous amount of pressure on myself in all areas of my life that it gets mentally and emotionally exhausting.  I had to consciously decide that enough is enough. Tired of the isolation and seclusion and overthinking sucking the joy out of what is suppose to be such a special time in my life.

That's a decision I have to continuously make: stop holding it in, speak your truth, and don't let it fester. Why? Because the people around me and myself deserve better. I'm not perfect at it, but I've gotten better-- some areas of my life have gotten better; some areas better than others. But i'm a continuous work in progress. I'll always be a work in progress. That's the beauty in life. We're all a work in progress-- always. I'm working on not overthinking; working on sharing how I feel (and figuring out the best time to share and how to, but that's a whole different blog post); working on not comparing how I feel to how others feel-- my feelings are my feelings. I don't need to worry if others feel the same way.

Here's to the last month and a half of this beautiful pregnancy; such a delicate and wonderful time in life. A time that I get to joyfully share with my husband, my step daughter, my mother, my sisters, and people that love us so incredibly much. Ain't it like the devil to try and steal my joy and keep me on an island of isolation? But enough is enough. God has blessed us with this remarkable miracle and the joy and emotions that come with it all are so wild.

What are you working on? Stay with it, keep your head up, and keep working on that progress.

xo

***HUGE shout out to Kim Lyn from https://kimlynphotography.com for these amazing photos***

Find her on instagram and book with her!

Coinciding

Such a weird feeling; sitting in the bathroom with two positive pregnancy tests-- both telling me that I am carrying a little nugget in my belly. I found out I was about 6 weeks pregnant the same day I would have been 33 weeks pregnant with Micah. You see, I had a miscarriage towards the end of last year and I still tend to carry that pain with me-- often thinking how I would feel, how big my belly would have been; you know, all of the I wonder type scenarios.

But I can't help but feel a sense of joy and excitement and just a feeling of being super pumped that my body is ready and is carrying a baby! I held my breathe until my 10 week appointment, my first ultra sound. And what a beautiful moment that was. To see my nugget moving all sorts of ways and at one point it looked like that sweet baby was just staring right at me thru that screen. We got to see a healthy and beautifully growing baby on that screen. 

Before my ultrasound I had finally made a decision that week-- to not walk in fear during this pregnancy. This baby's life should be celebrated and embraced. Walking in fear robs me of the small milestones, of the joy that comes with carrying a life inside of you. I don't want to worry every time I go to the bathroom or every time I have an appointment. Believe me, its hard to not think of the worst case scenarios every time. It's a constant act of handing it over to God-- every single time. Fear will not take away my experience with pregnancy --- this miraculous and fascinating and wonderful experience. I thank God during my morning sickness, because I didn't get that chance last time. I thank God for the nausea, because I missed out. I embrace the fatigue and hunger because these are all signs that my body is changing and accommodating for this little precious nugget. What an opportunity! What a joy! My face is breaking out and my emotions are all over the place, but i'm pregnant. I'M PREGNANT. 

It's odd; having joy and grief coincide. But they do and they can. And that's totally okay.

xo

Not Stopping

I made this vision board in the beginning of 2018. On it, as you can see, I mentioned slowing down, finding a house, growing our middle school youth group, making a mark in society, reading more, encouraging intentionally and purposefully, growing as a step mother, becoming a mother of my own child, and more. 

A few days ago, I had a breakdown and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried some more. I couldn't figure out why. I started to think of all the ways I failed in 2018; as a mother, as a wife, as a teacher, as a friend. Moments that I replay in my head over and over again and criticize myself about; totaling my Honda civic that resulted in me being annoyingly skittish in the car; being insecure as a step mother; feeling inadequate as a wife; losing my baby at 9 weeks; leaving a job that I loved and felt safe in. Let me make it clear that no one has made we feel this way. If anything, people are encouraging and me telling me I'm brave and strong and courageous. Instead, I felt unsure, scared, and defeated. I made myself feel this way. 

The devil is cunning and seeks to destroy us. & God won't let that happen. I don't trust in my ability, because clearly I get in my own way and in my own head. But I have a hope. Even while broken and beaten, I have a hope and I cling to that. 

So I decided to think about what really happened in 2018; I had the opportunity to carry a child in my womb and feel the joy of becoming a mother-- telling my husband that he was going to father my child, telling our families about another child entering our worlds and the seeing the joy on all of their faces was worth it all; hearing that baby's strong heartbeat was worth it all. We had the opportunity of buying a house that is becoming a home-- a place we get to call our own. Our friends and family have come over into our table-less kitchen and have shared laughs with us and more memories are still waiting to be had here. I had the opportunity to switch positions (totally my choice) and have my very own classroom with the most lively 20 students that I get to learn from every day. I've had opportunities to travel, meet new people, spend sweet time with my step daughter, grow as a wife, and had such genuine and magnificent conversations with so many amazing people. 2018 may have been filled with moments that hurt me and tried to break me, but it was also full of moments that helped me grow, that stretched me, and helped me realize that I am stronger than I think. I have a beautiful life filled with beautiful people. 2018 was filled with lessons that have exposed me, but also helped me. Life is going to constantly throw curve balls, but that's life. Bring it. Because I have my God, my husband, my family, and friends and they stick close to me. 

Don't do life alone, friends. 

xo