Coinciding

Such a weird feeling; sitting in the bathroom with two positive pregnancy tests-- both telling me that I am carrying a little nugget in my belly. I found out I was about 6 weeks pregnant the same day I would have been 33 weeks pregnant with Micah. You see, I had a miscarriage towards the end of last year and I still tend to carry that pain with me-- often thinking how I would feel, how big my belly would have been; you know, all of the I wonder type scenarios.

But I can't help but feel a sense of joy and excitement and just a feeling of being super pumped that my body is ready and is carrying a baby! I held my breathe until my 10 week appointment, my first ultra sound. And what a beautiful moment that was. To see my nugget moving all sorts of ways and at one point it looked like that sweet baby was just staring right at me thru that screen. We got to see a healthy and beautifully growing baby on that screen. 

Before my ultrasound I had finally made a decision that week-- to not walk in fear during this pregnancy. This baby's life should be celebrated and embraced. Walking in fear robs me of the small milestones, of the joy that comes with carrying a life inside of you. I don't want to worry every time I go to the bathroom or every time I have an appointment. Believe me, its hard to not think of the worst case scenarios every time. It's a constant act of handing it over to God-- every single time. Fear will not take away my experience with pregnancy --- this miraculous and fascinating and wonderful experience. I thank God during my morning sickness, because I didn't get that chance last time. I thank God for the nausea, because I missed out. I embrace the fatigue and hunger because these are all signs that my body is changing and accommodating for this little precious nugget. What an opportunity! What a joy! My face is breaking out and my emotions are all over the place, but i'm pregnant. I'M PREGNANT. 

It's odd; having joy and grief coincide. But they do and they can. And that's totally okay.

xo