I'm usually an over thinker at heart, so there is no surprise there; but pregnancy took it to a whole 'nother level. Over thinking: what life after this baby will look like; leaving work; returning to work; expectations I put on myself as a wife; being a pregnant wife; being a wife and a mom to a baby; being a pregnant step mom; being a step mom with an infant... the list went on. My overthinking led me to be in this weird place of isolation. A place that caused me to internalize my feelings, feeling secluded and alone. I often wondered if my feelings were normal or acceptable. Were the thoughts I had something that others felt? Did people feel alone as a pregnant step mom? or just as a step mom in general? Or alone as a wife unable to explain the journey of pregnancy to their husband? There was no rhyme or reason to me feeling this way other than the pressure I put on myself. And rather than talking about how I felt, I let it fester and continuously walk in mindless circles wondering if others felt the way I felt. I put such an enormous amount of pressure on myself in all areas of my life that it gets mentally and emotionally exhausting. I had to consciously decide that enough is enough. Tired of the isolation and seclusion and overthinking sucking the joy out of what is suppose to be such a special time in my life.
That's a decision I have to continuously make: stop holding it in, speak your truth, and don't let it fester. Why? Because the people around me and myself deserve better. I'm not perfect at it, but I've gotten better-- some areas of my life have gotten better; some areas better than others. But i'm a continuous work in progress. I'll always be a work in progress. That's the beauty in life. We're all a work in progress-- always. I'm working on not overthinking; working on sharing how I feel (and figuring out the best time to share and how to, but that's a whole different blog post); working on not comparing how I feel to how others feel-- my feelings are my feelings. I don't need to worry if others feel the same way.
Here's to the last month and a half of this beautiful pregnancy; such a delicate and wonderful time in life. A time that I get to joyfully share with my husband, my step daughter, my mother, my sisters, and people that love us so incredibly much. Ain't it like the devil to try and steal my joy and keep me on an island of isolation? But enough is enough. God has blessed us with this remarkable miracle and the joy and emotions that come with it all are so wild.
What are you working on? Stay with it, keep your head up, and keep working on that progress.
xo
***HUGE shout out to Kim Lyn from https://kimlynphotography.com for these amazing photos***
Find her on instagram and book with her!
