I made this vision board in the beginning of 2018. On it, as you can see, I mentioned slowing down, finding a house, growing our middle school youth group, making a mark in society, reading more, encouraging intentionally and purposefully, growing as a step mother, becoming a mother of my own child, and more.
A few days ago, I had a breakdown and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried some more. I couldn't figure out why. I started to think of all the ways I failed in 2018; as a mother, as a wife, as a teacher, as a friend. Moments that I replay in my head over and over again and criticize myself about; totaling my Honda civic that resulted in me being annoyingly skittish in the car; being insecure as a step mother; feeling inadequate as a wife; losing my baby at 9 weeks; leaving a job that I loved and felt safe in. Let me make it clear that no one has made we feel this way. If anything, people are encouraging and me telling me I'm brave and strong and courageous. Instead, I felt unsure, scared, and defeated. I made myself feel this way.
The devil is cunning and seeks to destroy us. & God won't let that happen. I don't trust in my ability, because clearly I get in my own way and in my own head. But I have a hope. Even while broken and beaten, I have a hope and I cling to that.
So I decided to think about what really happened in 2018; I had the opportunity to carry a child in my womb and feel the joy of becoming a mother-- telling my husband that he was going to father my child, telling our families about another child entering our worlds and the seeing the joy on all of their faces was worth it all; hearing that baby's strong heartbeat was worth it all. We had the opportunity of buying a house that is becoming a home-- a place we get to call our own. Our friends and family have come over into our table-less kitchen and have shared laughs with us and more memories are still waiting to be had here. I had the opportunity to switch positions (totally my choice) and have my very own classroom with the most lively 20 students that I get to learn from every day. I've had opportunities to travel, meet new people, spend sweet time with my step daughter, grow as a wife, and had such genuine and magnificent conversations with so many amazing people. 2018 may have been filled with moments that hurt me and tried to break me, but it was also full of moments that helped me grow, that stretched me, and helped me realize that I am stronger than I think. I have a beautiful life filled with beautiful people. 2018 was filled with lessons that have exposed me, but also helped me. Life is going to constantly throw curve balls, but that's life. Bring it. Because I have my God, my husband, my family, and friends and they stick close to me.
Don't do life alone, friends.
xo
