After the Storm...

After I had a miscarriage and lost my precious baby, people kept mentioning "rainbow baby" to me and I had no idea what they were talking about. I later learned that a "rainbow baby" is a baby one has after a loss of a baby whether due to miscarriage, still born birth -- some type of infant loss. Rainbows follow a storm. I read something that said, " the rainbow does not negate the storm, but acknowledges it and creates something beautiful." The rainbow is a sign of hope.

I will never forget my first baby: my first positive pregnancy test; my first time telling my husband i'm carrying his child; my first time carrying a life inside of me. As I remember our first precious baby, Micah, we stand in awe of God's goodness and faithfulness. Five months after our devastating loss, we found out we were expecting again. There were a lot of feelings I had to deal with; feelings and thoughts I had that almost made me walk in fear. But time and time again I was reminded of how redemptive this story was. I was reminded to choose courage over fear. I was reminded that no matter what: God is good and He is faithful.

Now here I am, staring at my beautiful 5 week old nugget napping and quite literally living his best life. I get this wild and amazing opportunity to be his mom. I heard someone say that as moms we become co-creators with God as we carry this life inside of us and then afterwards we get to help in sustain that life. THAT BLOWS MY MIND. As I'm up at crazy hours of the night, exhausted with cracked nipples and tears filling my eyes, with a gassy and cranky baby, with seemingly no answers-- I need to remember that this little boy relies on me. He needs me. And oh how sweet it is to be needed and wanted; the comfort he feels when pick him up; the love he feels when i'm feeding him and we're looking into each other's eyes, because no one else matters at that point-- it's just Mami and Zion.

My rainbow baby, my redemption story. Zion has helped me to realize just how strong I am. I've learned that choosing courage over fear is an every day act (heck, it's an every minute act!). I'm continuously learning that I most definitely do not have it figured out and this isn't meant to be done alone or in isolation.

To those still waiting for their rainbow baby: I am so sorry you went thru that loss to begin with, but I am praying for you. I am here for you. I can't wait to hear your story of restored hope and redemption. Love you. More importantly, God loves you...and he loves your baby.

Love you all so much.

xo

Zion Anthony Hazard 

Born 1/6/2020

Our Rainbow Baby