Balance

I'm really good at the art of doing. Like really good at it.

I enjoy getting things done and checking things off my check list. I love to: get the laundry done during the weekend,  make sure that my sink isn't filled of dishes before I go to bed; plan events for the youth at church; water and repot my plants; and many more crazy boring and mundane things but they bring me joy-- truly. I think it's more of the joy knowing that things are getting done and letting others relax and converse while I get things done. 

As much as I love to get things done, it robs me of a lot of stuff. It robs me of moments. Instead of sitting watching a movie with the fam to unwind, I'm desperately trying to get the laundry done by the end of Sunday so I don't have to do it during the crazy work week or I'm trying to get to the dishes we just used from dinner because I might just lose sleep at the thought of a full sink at night. 

But like anything in life...

balance. 

Balance drives me nuts. 

I use to imagine balance as a snarky lady with the perfected side eye look of disapproval. She would look at me disappointed, rolling her eyes hard when I would do things one way or another and not include her. When I did include her, I was nervous and thinking of all the things that needed to get done. I had a hard time enjoying balance's presence because I was busy having my to do list on my mind. I was awkward and anxious with racing thoughts. She would scoff and wouldn't even try to comfort me. 

But in reality it wasn't balance making me feel that way. It was me-- all me. My mind can get weird. I'm so incredibly hard on myself. I drive myself insane!

Balance is actually gentle. She is sweet and doesn't force anything on me. She invites me, but doesn't push. When I finally accept her invitation, she doesn't talk at me; instead, she listens while I talk and share and try to figure things out. For that, i'm grateful.

It's ok that I enjoy doing things, but I don't want it to take away from those precious moments in my life. Finding that balance of doing things and getting things done to slowing down and savoring moments with the ones I love. 

Balance is good. Balance is necessary. 

Slow down, Anais. 

Slow down every now and then, friend. 

xo

She

I walked in blindly, having no clue what my responsibilities were, what my role was, what my purpose was. I knew my heart, but I kept thinking,  “how can I make my intentions a reality?” All I knew is I loved this man and all that came with him-- his baggage, his messiness, his loveliness, and his beautiful kid. She was 3 years old when I met her. She was shy yet curious, concerned, yet interested.

As years passed, I found myself lost in what to do, how to do it, where to interject myself. Finally, we got married. We officially become a family of three. We became the Hazards. Something happened that day, something happened to me and something happened to her-- my now 9 year old - bold , curly haired step daughter. She became my baby girl and I her Ani. Not mom, not Anais, but her Ani. I love her, correct her, challenge her, push her, and adore her. And you know what? She does the same for me.

We’ve developed something special, something sweet, something different, something that is our very own. I may not have physically given birth to her, but she has helped birth the mother in me. I’ve found a courage deep within me, a grace that was unfounded, and a forgiveness that was lost. She’s helped shape me. She has no idea how much she has brought into my life; she’s brought chaos along with adventure and everything in between. I’ve found myself being stretched, pushed, and pulled in directions I didn’t even know existed.

I feel undeserving of this love, but yet it has been given to me. One of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard in this lifetime are, “I love you, Ani.” All else can be messed up in this world and everything can be turned upside down, but when I hear those words, I know all is well.

On Purpose.

Life is meant to be lived. Not recklessly or without precaution, but also not with so much caution that we get caught up in the mundane living. I want to live life on purpose. I am living life on purpose, because I've been given a purpose. We've all been given a purpose. This life --and everything after-- is bigger than any of us can imagine, but we have a part to play. We have to do.

Think bigger. Stop thinking so much is out of reach. Sometimes you just have to jump with both feet, clenching your nose, heart racing with adrenaline, but knowing this is all going to be such a blast. Or like running full force, not knowing if you'll be first place, but you'll run like all heck--with everything in you, because the wind against your face feels exhilarating, the times you fell and bruises you've received don't compare to the excitement at the end.
Think kinder. Don't just mean to do good or have good intentions; just do good, be good. Raise the bar for yourself to love harder. When we raise the bar for ourselves, we're inadvertently raising the bar for others.

I know I can be self centered and self seeking a lot of times. I can also be very insecure and indecisive. God is the most patient and gracious teacher. I'm learning about sitting in the quiet stillness and to just listen, I'm learning about how important it is to have the eyes of my heart open and sensitive to God's spirit, I'm learning about how to receive correction, I'm learning to walk in love, I'm learning...
I learn best when I'm open and willing. It's not easy; it's being able to be vulnerable, it's letting your flaws hang out, but well worth it.

I think I hold back because I've become complacent and because fear holds me back. I hate being a disappointment and it can be intimidating to put myself out there without knowing the outcome. It's amazing to see what can happen when you trust God, seek Him, and go for it--full throttle. For too long I've let myself get crushed by the words of others, for too long did I live my life to please others, for too long I've coasted, for too long I've thought the life was this little bubble I had put myself in...

I want to live a life that is unashamed; filled with God's glory and wonder. 

I thank God for a boyfriend that thinks bigger and just goes for it. I thank God for friends who encourage living and loving out of the box. I thank God for friends who are fearless and even when they may be fearful, they go for it. I thank God for family members and friends who love me even when I'm selfish or mess up. All that everyone is to me, I pray I can be --in some part-- to others.


xo

I Once Knew a Boy...

I knew a boy with beautiful big blue eyes, that looked right into mine when I spoke; so intently and attentive.
I knew a boy who's smile showed every single tiny tooth, that shined brightly and boldly.
I knew a boy who could never really grow much facial hair, just random hairs sporadically grown unevenly on his face.
I knew a boy who was always up for a good deep discussion-- anything from music, to food, to people, to the color of the sky.
I knew a boy who's dance moves where unlike any other you've seen.
I knew a boy who's height was unusual, but it matched him perfectly. He was perfectly unusual.
I knew a boy who spoke from the heart, he said I love you and meant it.
I knew a boy who's intellect and heart seemed to go hand in hand quite impressively.
I knew a boy who wanted to love and be loved.
I knew a boy who inspired.
I knew a boy who's hug would warm the coldest of hearts.
I saw a boy grow into an admirable man.
I saw a man change his life.
I saw a man change the lives of others.
I miss him. I miss Christiano.

One month ago, today, the 'earth- life' of this precious young man ended; it seemed so quickly and abruptly. I hated the thought of having to say goodbye to him and even though it seems so cliché, it's true when they say it's, "see you later." I hated looking at his family and knowing they have to live with the reminder, everyday, that he will not walk into their home again. These people are my family; they hurt, I hurt. I love Christiano. He was my friend, my sweet little brother. Around this time I'd be checking on him and congratulating him on almost finishing his 1st college semester. Sometimes I wonder, has this really hit me? Do I really understand that I'm not just going to see him around anymore? I'm honestly not sure if it's really hit me or not. One month later and I'm still processing, I might be processing for a while.  But I have a hope. My hope is in Christ, exactly where Chris' hope was and is.

To know he is in a painless, whole, and happy state in heaven brings me some joy. To know he is face to face with His Almighty Savior elates me. During this time, I tried so hard to be there for others. My goal was to comfort others; Great intentions, but my actions wore me out. I realized that I needed that sweet presence of God in my life; refilling myself, in order to give; Letting God work thru me in every way possible in order for anything to be truly meaningful or effective. I'm not talking about a 'feel good' type thing for just a moment, but an alive and very real occurrence and reoccurrence that is special and unique to God-- only He can give it, no one else. God is my ultimate provider and comforter, in return, I am a reflection of that and am able to rest in God and know He has and will continue to work thru me.

But man, I'll miss him a lot.

Christiano- Never forgotten, forever loved. 

Post Missions

I'm home, folks!

Guatemala was amazing. If something can be more than amazing, it was exactly that and more. Coming home was bittersweet, more bitter than sweet. I sobbed on my last day in Guatemala. I was overwhelmed by the love bestowed on us during our stay. I've become involved with the ministry [Hearts in Action] in a way that is inexplainable-- not just financially, but now emotionally and spiritually--, I've finally met the child I sponsor for 2 years and now I have to leave him, I absolutely adore the group of people that went to Guatemala with me, and God was turning and moving things inside of me. Honestly, I'm speechless. There are no words to explain what I felt or how I am feeling. There are no words to explain the type of awe that I am in. I mean, I'm sure there is some word in the English vocabulary that can explain, but it just won't be accurate enough.

I picture God's very finger reaching down and just gently tapping my heart and my heart instantly becoming electrified. Yea, I think that's what it must be. I finally said, "Come on God! I'm ready!" I say that and then think, "Oh shoot, maybe i'm not ready," then something as amazing as a missions trip to Guatemala happens and God reminds me that He is with me, guiding me and leading me as long as I am open and willing; what a marvelous thing it is indeed.

It's not that I didn't miss some people, I did. It's just that the people of the ministry we worked with [Hearts in Action] and the people of Guatemala are so beautiful. I've always thought I was a fairly loving person. I pale in comparison to the love out poured on me during the trip. I saw siblings loving on each other in a special and precious way, I saw children who have been forgotten and given away smile at the sight of these goofy Americans bearing gifts, I saw hungry and thirsty families comfort us because our hearts had been so broken at just the sight of them, I saw children's eyes beam the love of Christ, I saw children praying with all they had in them because all they had to hold on to was the precious name of Jesus, I saw God doing a work in us as we poured out of ourselves, I saw God move.

I was frustrated at the thought of coming home. I told God, "There is so much to do here (in Guatemala)!" I was reminded by a friend, that God will continue to provide for the people of Guatemala, they are not a forgotten people to God, they will be freed. I was also reminded by a friend that there is a work to be done back home. I reside in Providence, Rhode Island for such a time as this. This is where I call home right now, it is time I rise up. How? By walking in love, by having a single-minded focus on God's will and pursuing God, by abiding in God, by seeking wisdom, by obeying, and by simply living in Him.

This Guatemala missions trip wasn't about an experience that happened in Guatemala. It's about the work that is to be done. This was like a training camp; preparing me for the future and for now. It wasn't a one time thing that was super awesome, it was a life changing event that super naturally stimulated my very core being.

"Vast ocean of love cannot be measured or explained but it can be experienced." 

Not just once or twice, but ALWAYS.

"Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong." Ephesians 3:17

More posts and pictures coming soon!

Erroneous Excuses

You know that trip you've always longed to make?
You know that relationship you are in that is detrimental to your life and mental well being?
You know that job you've always wanted and desired?
You know that relationship you've been thinking about rekindling?
You know that happiness you've dreamed of?

What has stopped us from living? Living a life of pure contentment and utter pleasure. Instead, we've become anxious and fearful of what could be. We rather stay in this so-so type life, that is mediocre and lacks the appeal of a life filled with wonder and adventure; a better life. We've decided to live and stay in this ordinary life, because it is convenient, comfortable, and let's be honest, we may have become a little lazy.

When will we stop making excuses of the situations we have single handed and ignorantly- or maybe even arrogantly- gotten ourselves into? When will we take responsibility? I'm not saying beat ourselves up and bring ourselves down, but truly looking at life and asking, " What am I doing? & what do I want to do? "

So many things I want to do and this summer has kicked a few of them off. Things I'm scared of doing or I'm a little nervous about, but I know God has laid them on my heart and it is in Him I trust. Opportunities for me have arose and I'm going for it with a thrilled heart and slight (very tiny) feeling of angst.

Live a life that brings glory to God. 
Stretch yourself, you are much more capable than you think you are.
Get out of your comfort zone.
Stop making excuses, if you're doing something you know you shouldn't be doing, stop. Turn away and never look back.
It's okay to be a little scared.
Trust God with all your heart.
Go for it.

I dedicate this post to Vacation Bible School (arts & crafts, especially), whatisthe99.com,

 Guatemala Missions Trip 2013, The Warrior Dash (Sept. '13), 

my last semester of my undergrad career, 

leaving my apartment, new friends I will make, & old friends I've cherished. 

4, 5, & 6...

(See previous post, so this one makes sense)

#4 Realize God is GOD.
I try to figure things out; Why things are the way they are? What can I do to help? How can I help? and so on. I get so caught up in the questions and the wondering, that the reverence and awe of God gets lost in the mix. I forget to stop and just realize that God has a bigger plan. A plan that is hard for my mind to understand or even begin to try and come up with pictures within my limited imagination. God wants me to go to Guatemala, so I go. He'll take care of me.

#5 Trust.
We're so use to failing or people failing us, that it may be hard to trust. BUT God is not a human. His ways are higher- way way higher- than ours. We can not bring him down to our level and try to make sense of it all or compare him to those that may have hurt us or compare him to ourselves. We strive to know him and seek him, in that, we trust and worship him. I don't need to understand everything in order to love God and worship him. I do know that he has taken very good care of me thus far, he will never leave me nor forsake me. He's brought me this far, he'll take me the rest of the way. I'm not sure why God wants me to go to Guatemala, what he will have me do, what my part is, BUT I do know that I am trusting him and I'm going to seek him every single solitary step of the way.

#6 Owning up to the responsibility.
God wants me to go. He has called me and I responded to the call. I want nothing more than Christ alone. In Christ is where I reside. I know God will take care of me, I know I have to trust him, but I have a part to play. I have a responsibility to adhere to. I need to be open, I need to be submissive to the authority above me, I have to fundraise, I have to listen, I have to pray-- but knowing that God has called me to go has made me WANT to do all of those things. It may not always be the easiest thing, but knowing that God has something in store excites me. And in obey and taking on the responsibility, I'm worshipping God. I live for Him.

Man, I'm excited. My thoughts are all jumbled up in my head, I have difficulty putting into words all that I'm learning, expecting, and seeing.

That's all for now.

xo

He knows.

Well, well, well.... Hello my dearest compadres.

EXCITING NEWS: I am going on a missions trip to Guatemala in August!

I will be working with Hearts in Action. HIA has a Jungle School in Peten, Guatemala. They work closely with the impoverished community. The children learn reading, writing, and arithmetic; they also get to learn about how much God loves them and learn all the truth from God's very own word. Lots of exciting things happening over there and I've been so blessed to be a part of their ministry for about 2 years. I have been sponsoring a beautiful little boy who goes to The Jungle School. I financially support his education, materials, and other goodies-- I also write him and just pray for him; love that kid! I get to meet him when I go out there. SO RAD. 

Anyways, the reason I'm telling you all this is because God and I have had some interesting convos since I've decided to go to Guatemala. 

#1 Listen when God is telling you something. 

Last year in January, I felt it on my heart to go Guatemala. I didn't end up going. I was kicking myself when I thought about how I should have just gone. Now I think that may have been prepping time for me. 

#2 Be aware of prep/wait time.

God dropped it on my heart and was telling me, "Get ready girl, because in a year and a half, I'm going to rock your world." I just didn't realize God was trying to tell me all that. All I heard was, "The Jungle School." I knew I loved the ministry, I  knew I wanted to go, I knew I heard from God-- I just didn't know how or when. Instead of trying to figure it out and wreck my brain, I decided to seek God and wait on Him. I knew He had/has a plan that I would benefit from; Therefore, I just started shutting up and listening to what He wanted me to do next. 

#3 Wait.

I had anxiety. Not in the sense of breathing heavily and hyperventilating and getting the shakes. I mean just waiting around impatiently, tapping my foot, whistling nervously, waiting for God's next move. At this point in the journey, I thought I was being a really awesome Christian and "waiting on God." On the contrary, I missed out on opportunities because I was anxiously waiting on what God was going to say next. Instead of anxiously waiting on God, I learned to expectantly wait on God with hope and excitement, all the while still worshipping Him and thanking Him for what is going on and what is ahead. He'll tell me, in due time, the plan.

I'll share more about my pre-missions journey. Getting thoughts organized and saying it correctly is important to me.

Till then,
xox.

Some Answers...

Love wins. It is victorious. It conquers every time. 

 Love covers all offenses. 

Be the bigger person, even when you don't feel like it. 

Check your intentions. 

Speak in love. 

Ask for forgiveness from those you've hurt.

God's word breaths life. 

L o v e    G o d.

Love brings hope, which in turn brings faith, which then brings results.

Love is active; Love doesn't sit back and watch, love acts. 

Praise & worship God, He loves you and wants to hear from. 

You have a purpose, a purpose that God Himself has created just for you.

Out of love flows: thankfulness, praise, worship, diligence, forgiveness, hope...

Let go & forgive. 

Questions...

Some questions that came to mind during the love acquisition...

Am I making an idol of the idea of love, rather than loving The One who is love?

Is love proactive? If so, have I been too passive with loving?

Have I really been loving everyone or just the people that love me?

Who really bugs me? & how can I love them more?

How do I reflect love in my everyday life?

How do I show my love to God in every day life?

Is love really the greatest commandment? If it is, then why haven't I been living up to that?

When I have a certain attitude, what is the root of that attitude (be it good or bad)?

What small changes in my everyday life can I make?

Do I really love as much as I think I do?

Words are powerful; therefore, how can I speak more in love (toward others and for myself)?

How am I treating those closest to me?

How am I treating strangers?

What are the results of love?

Do I really understand that I am loved?
Am I judgmental? Even though I say I'm not...

Do actions really speak louder than words? If so, what are my actions showing?

Why do I let myself get in my own way?

Do I really have praise continuously on my lips?

Do I understand that their is a divine purpose for my life?

What is the first thing I do when I'm feeling defeated, hurt, or mad?

What do I do when I KNOW I'm right (but let's be honest, sometimes I don't really KNOW if I am or I'm just being stubborn), and the other person(s) do NOT seem to get it? How am I reacting?

Is it really necessary to be the "bigger person" ?

What are the benefits of being the "bigger person" ? What are the benefits of holding animosity and strife?
What flows from love?

I'm not trying to tear myself apart and question everything I do to make myself (or you) feel bad, but it can be a good reality check. I pray God forgive me for my selfishness, jealousy, and any other ugliness inside of me; sometimes those things creep up again and I have to work on it all over again, it's not necessarily easy. I do know that keeping my eyes on God- in everything I do, everyday- is key. Life is not life without God. Since God is love, life is not life without love.

Few Things:

1) Never receive grace in vain. 2 Corinthians 6:1

2) Put faith into action. James 1:21-24

3) Endure till the end. Matthew 10:22, Matthew 24:13

2013 is here. So many cool things happened in 2012. It was a year filled of lots of laughs, tears, growth, set backs, triumphs, and failures. Timing is key. I'm learning not to rush things, but to remain faithful and to wait upon the Lord. I learn over and over and over again, that He knows best. Sometimes I can be such a know-it-all, but really I'm clueless. hahah. 

God is beckoning me, I'm learning to be sensitive to that call, to that ever present and quiet voice. He is a loving and guiding God, along with being a just and mighty God. I just have to surrender to what He has for me. I throw my hands up and let God know, that He's in charge. "Use me, Lord. Guide me. I'm Yours." I use to be intimidated to fully surrender and be desperate for God; thinking I wasn't good enough, or that it would be too hard to follow, or that I'd get rejected. I was bringing God down to our measly and human-like demeanor. Really, God was just waiting for me to come to Him. I just had to be willing.

Don't stay down, look up to where your hope is (or should be). Ask for forgiveness for being prideful, unforgiving, and hard headed. Read His word, act on His word, bind those promises to your heart. There is more to life than just struggling and barely getting by. Even during tests, trials, and tribulation, count it as all joy-- Praise should continually be on your lips. When your mad, praise and thank Him. When your sad, praise and thank Him. When your happy, praise and thank Him. When your confused, praise and thank Him. Seek him and draw near to Him.

Jesus is THE way, THE truth, and THE life-- he's not one of many options. He is the only option.

Oh how sweet it is to know Him...