Stuck.

I've found myself at a loss for words lately.

It's like I'm stuck in some crazy sticky substance and instead of taking myself out by pulling, dragging, jerking, and yanking, I've just sat there-- tired, sometimes lonely, and sighing. It's no one's fault and there may not be any particular reason why I'm in this place, but it's where I am.

When people are talking to me, pouring their hearts out, or venting,  I'm at a loss for words.
When people are rejoicing and jumping up and down with joy, I'm at a loss for words.
When I'm struggling and frustrated, I'm at a loss for words.
Even when I'm worshiping and praying, I've been at a loss for words.

I can try the 10 steps to happiness, or the 435 strategies of highly effective people, or a walk in the sunshine, or 26 steps to super sized faith, but I'm finding that the only true remedy is to seek God. Praying, venting, and devoting to him drives and pushes me. Reading His word empowers and enlightens me.

I'm also learning that there isn't always something to say. Crying along side someone is ok, listening is an art, and jumping up and down beside the person rejoicing is beautiful. Actually, it's better to not know what to say and stay silent than not knowing what to say and saying something "just because."

So much has happened since I last posted and so much going on, you'd think I'd want to post about that.
I don't know. Maybe I'm at a loss for words AND in a weird funk. One of those days, you know?

But I'm grateful and blessed. That I know.

I Once Knew a Boy...

I knew a boy with beautiful big blue eyes, that looked right into mine when I spoke; so intently and attentive.
I knew a boy who's smile showed every single tiny tooth, that shined brightly and boldly.
I knew a boy who could never really grow much facial hair, just random hairs sporadically grown unevenly on his face.
I knew a boy who was always up for a good deep discussion-- anything from music, to food, to people, to the color of the sky.
I knew a boy who's dance moves where unlike any other you've seen.
I knew a boy who's height was unusual, but it matched him perfectly. He was perfectly unusual.
I knew a boy who spoke from the heart, he said I love you and meant it.
I knew a boy who's intellect and heart seemed to go hand in hand quite impressively.
I knew a boy who wanted to love and be loved.
I knew a boy who inspired.
I knew a boy who's hug would warm the coldest of hearts.
I saw a boy grow into an admirable man.
I saw a man change his life.
I saw a man change the lives of others.
I miss him. I miss Christiano.

One month ago, today, the 'earth- life' of this precious young man ended; it seemed so quickly and abruptly. I hated the thought of having to say goodbye to him and even though it seems so cliché, it's true when they say it's, "see you later." I hated looking at his family and knowing they have to live with the reminder, everyday, that he will not walk into their home again. These people are my family; they hurt, I hurt. I love Christiano. He was my friend, my sweet little brother. Around this time I'd be checking on him and congratulating him on almost finishing his 1st college semester. Sometimes I wonder, has this really hit me? Do I really understand that I'm not just going to see him around anymore? I'm honestly not sure if it's really hit me or not. One month later and I'm still processing, I might be processing for a while.  But I have a hope. My hope is in Christ, exactly where Chris' hope was and is.

To know he is in a painless, whole, and happy state in heaven brings me some joy. To know he is face to face with His Almighty Savior elates me. During this time, I tried so hard to be there for others. My goal was to comfort others; Great intentions, but my actions wore me out. I realized that I needed that sweet presence of God in my life; refilling myself, in order to give; Letting God work thru me in every way possible in order for anything to be truly meaningful or effective. I'm not talking about a 'feel good' type thing for just a moment, but an alive and very real occurrence and reoccurrence that is special and unique to God-- only He can give it, no one else. God is my ultimate provider and comforter, in return, I am a reflection of that and am able to rest in God and know He has and will continue to work thru me.

But man, I'll miss him a lot.

Christiano- Never forgotten, forever loved. 

4, 5, & 6...

(See previous post, so this one makes sense)

#4 Realize God is GOD.
I try to figure things out; Why things are the way they are? What can I do to help? How can I help? and so on. I get so caught up in the questions and the wondering, that the reverence and awe of God gets lost in the mix. I forget to stop and just realize that God has a bigger plan. A plan that is hard for my mind to understand or even begin to try and come up with pictures within my limited imagination. God wants me to go to Guatemala, so I go. He'll take care of me.

#5 Trust.
We're so use to failing or people failing us, that it may be hard to trust. BUT God is not a human. His ways are higher- way way higher- than ours. We can not bring him down to our level and try to make sense of it all or compare him to those that may have hurt us or compare him to ourselves. We strive to know him and seek him, in that, we trust and worship him. I don't need to understand everything in order to love God and worship him. I do know that he has taken very good care of me thus far, he will never leave me nor forsake me. He's brought me this far, he'll take me the rest of the way. I'm not sure why God wants me to go to Guatemala, what he will have me do, what my part is, BUT I do know that I am trusting him and I'm going to seek him every single solitary step of the way.

#6 Owning up to the responsibility.
God wants me to go. He has called me and I responded to the call. I want nothing more than Christ alone. In Christ is where I reside. I know God will take care of me, I know I have to trust him, but I have a part to play. I have a responsibility to adhere to. I need to be open, I need to be submissive to the authority above me, I have to fundraise, I have to listen, I have to pray-- but knowing that God has called me to go has made me WANT to do all of those things. It may not always be the easiest thing, but knowing that God has something in store excites me. And in obey and taking on the responsibility, I'm worshipping God. I live for Him.

Man, I'm excited. My thoughts are all jumbled up in my head, I have difficulty putting into words all that I'm learning, expecting, and seeing.

That's all for now.

xo

He knows.

Well, well, well.... Hello my dearest compadres.

EXCITING NEWS: I am going on a missions trip to Guatemala in August!

I will be working with Hearts in Action. HIA has a Jungle School in Peten, Guatemala. They work closely with the impoverished community. The children learn reading, writing, and arithmetic; they also get to learn about how much God loves them and learn all the truth from God's very own word. Lots of exciting things happening over there and I've been so blessed to be a part of their ministry for about 2 years. I have been sponsoring a beautiful little boy who goes to The Jungle School. I financially support his education, materials, and other goodies-- I also write him and just pray for him; love that kid! I get to meet him when I go out there. SO RAD. 

Anyways, the reason I'm telling you all this is because God and I have had some interesting convos since I've decided to go to Guatemala. 

#1 Listen when God is telling you something. 

Last year in January, I felt it on my heart to go Guatemala. I didn't end up going. I was kicking myself when I thought about how I should have just gone. Now I think that may have been prepping time for me. 

#2 Be aware of prep/wait time.

God dropped it on my heart and was telling me, "Get ready girl, because in a year and a half, I'm going to rock your world." I just didn't realize God was trying to tell me all that. All I heard was, "The Jungle School." I knew I loved the ministry, I  knew I wanted to go, I knew I heard from God-- I just didn't know how or when. Instead of trying to figure it out and wreck my brain, I decided to seek God and wait on Him. I knew He had/has a plan that I would benefit from; Therefore, I just started shutting up and listening to what He wanted me to do next. 

#3 Wait.

I had anxiety. Not in the sense of breathing heavily and hyperventilating and getting the shakes. I mean just waiting around impatiently, tapping my foot, whistling nervously, waiting for God's next move. At this point in the journey, I thought I was being a really awesome Christian and "waiting on God." On the contrary, I missed out on opportunities because I was anxiously waiting on what God was going to say next. Instead of anxiously waiting on God, I learned to expectantly wait on God with hope and excitement, all the while still worshipping Him and thanking Him for what is going on and what is ahead. He'll tell me, in due time, the plan.

I'll share more about my pre-missions journey. Getting thoughts organized and saying it correctly is important to me.

Till then,
xox.

Some Answers...

Love wins. It is victorious. It conquers every time. 

 Love covers all offenses. 

Be the bigger person, even when you don't feel like it. 

Check your intentions. 

Speak in love. 

Ask for forgiveness from those you've hurt.

God's word breaths life. 

L o v e    G o d.

Love brings hope, which in turn brings faith, which then brings results.

Love is active; Love doesn't sit back and watch, love acts. 

Praise & worship God, He loves you and wants to hear from. 

You have a purpose, a purpose that God Himself has created just for you.

Out of love flows: thankfulness, praise, worship, diligence, forgiveness, hope...

Let go & forgive. 

Few Things:

1) Never receive grace in vain. 2 Corinthians 6:1

2) Put faith into action. James 1:21-24

3) Endure till the end. Matthew 10:22, Matthew 24:13

2013 is here. So many cool things happened in 2012. It was a year filled of lots of laughs, tears, growth, set backs, triumphs, and failures. Timing is key. I'm learning not to rush things, but to remain faithful and to wait upon the Lord. I learn over and over and over again, that He knows best. Sometimes I can be such a know-it-all, but really I'm clueless. hahah. 

God is beckoning me, I'm learning to be sensitive to that call, to that ever present and quiet voice. He is a loving and guiding God, along with being a just and mighty God. I just have to surrender to what He has for me. I throw my hands up and let God know, that He's in charge. "Use me, Lord. Guide me. I'm Yours." I use to be intimidated to fully surrender and be desperate for God; thinking I wasn't good enough, or that it would be too hard to follow, or that I'd get rejected. I was bringing God down to our measly and human-like demeanor. Really, God was just waiting for me to come to Him. I just had to be willing.

Don't stay down, look up to where your hope is (or should be). Ask for forgiveness for being prideful, unforgiving, and hard headed. Read His word, act on His word, bind those promises to your heart. There is more to life than just struggling and barely getting by. Even during tests, trials, and tribulation, count it as all joy-- Praise should continually be on your lips. When your mad, praise and thank Him. When your sad, praise and thank Him. When your happy, praise and thank Him. When your confused, praise and thank Him. Seek him and draw near to Him.

Jesus is THE way, THE truth, and THE life-- he's not one of many options. He is the only option.

Oh how sweet it is to know Him...