What Coulda Been...

The second I found out I was pregnant I thought about what I would put on the baby registry. It was all so brand new and I had so much fun doing my wedding registry that I couldn't wait for my cute little hershey kiss of a baby to have all the beautiful things. I would eye Target's baby section HARD.

Now, when I walk by the Target's baby section, I look away. When I see a cute little baby bump I smile, but I hurt a little on the inside. When I see cute little chunka babies I coo in awe, but I'm wishing I knew what my chunka would have looked like. "What could have been..." 

I think people wonder if I'm mad at God or if I'm resentful or walking around crying. I'm not. But I'm hurt. I'm sad. I wonder about what he would have looked like and be like. What would we have looked like once he came. That's all I can do; wonder. I am going to be OK and I will move on in life. But that does not lessen the hurt or the fact that I would have been 12 weeks pregnant tomorrow had his beautiful heart not stopped. I want to feel every bit of this, because feeling hurt is what keeps me connected to this baby somehow; to my baby. I'm not walking around moping and sobbing; but my heart aches for a baby. A baby that had a due date of July 1st; a baby we anticipated; a baby we loved and longed for; a baby we treasured the second that 1st pregnancy test said PREGNANT. Even more when the 2nd test said pregnant. And even more when we heard his heart beat at just 6 weeks old. She even said, "That's a strong heartbeat!" Ugh, I loved him. I love him.

I don't blame God but a very small part of me blamed myself. The one place my baby boy was supposed to be safe and develop was in me and that didn't happen for some reason. All these scenarios played in my head. No one blamed me, but me. I do that to myself though. I am my harshest critic. I even critique how I grieve. I need to let me be. I appreciate everyone being so sweet and kind and patient as I figure out what to do next and how to just be. Please don't stay away because you are pregnant or have a little chunka. I want to see them-- but sometimes it is just a little difficult for me; but I still love them! It's something that I just have to deal with. Some days are better than others. That's just where I'm at right now and I need that to be OK.

So now, life continues. You cramp, you hurt, you cry, you grieve, and you live I guess. There are people that don't know that will ask, "When are you guys having one?!"-- ouch. And that's just what it is.  Life is crazy, unpredictable, and beautiful. How can something be all those things at once?  It just is. That's it. I need to stop overanalyzing and over complicating and just know that God is holding me close. Period.

This post is so scattered with so many different thoughts, but that's how I am lately. Scattered with all these different thoughts, feelings, emotions. I'm on the floor desperately trying to pick up different pieces of a shattered situation. But that's just it, I don't have to do that. Yet I find myself doing that all the time. I need to remember that God has got me; he always has and always will.

sigh...