Who's really in control?

For the past month "being defensive" has been working in my heart. I'm sure it's been stirring in me for a while now, but this first month is when I actually started realizing it and taking ownership over the fact that I have a big mouth and always felt the need to explain and defend myself.

What does that mean? Well, what I mean is that i've been learning a lot about living out that Christ-like love. Rather than just talking about it and admiring it, i've learned to let God really be in control and work through me. I guess, showing rather than telling; the whole "actions speak louder than words" life style. I mean words are definitely important but in this case i'm talking about really letting God do a work in me and use me in everything I do to be a witness. 

My pastor spoke about how people say "Oh, I gave my life to God" and we don't really understand or take into full consideration of what that means. I didn't give some or half or just a little of my life to God but my whole life to God. I gave Him every little bit of it. That means, every decision I make, every word I speak, every thought, e v e r y t h i n g.  God loves me, little ole Anais Arias. Lord knows I didn't do anything to deserve His love but His grace and steadfast love hold me, guide and comfort me. 

I've been having a hard time with things from my past coming back into my life out of nowhere and catching me off guard. I tried to run away from them and stay away, but that was the problem. I tried. Instead of giving it to God and not doing it on my own strength. When I do try to do it on my own strength, I just dig a deeper hole for myself. It gets messy real quick. When I see the problems arise and especially if it is something from my idiotic past I get impulsive and say the first thing I can think of and end up feeling so icky after.

I've been reading a book (for about the past 5 months, it takes me forever to get through a book) and it said, "Vindication or defense or whatever reaction there may be should come from God, not from man." and later in the book it goes on to say, "Let us therefore confess our sin, acknowledging that we are just too small and to hard. God's desire for us is that we have grace within."

I know this post was all over the place but it just comes down to giving it ALL to God. 

xo