A Little Different..

            I’ve struggled with recognizing my intelligence. I know I’m not the smartest person around, but I do know that I’m a very good student; which in turn, will help me to be a very good teacher. I work hard and try my best in all I do. I know that GPA, certain context based knowledge, writing and reading skills, and other academic- based proficiencies are important, but what about the people who, that may not necessarily come naturally to? How about the ones who have to really try hard, but in the end, their heart, sweat, tears, and work went into it?

            For people like me, the good student, the hard worker, the not so smart ones can be missed sometimes. I am not ashamed to be a person that may not always be the sharpest tool in the shed, but give me some time and I’ll give you something I’m proud of and something I put effort into. I want to help those students. I commend those who can get things right away and who are the “smart ones,” but I also commend and applaud those who have to work a little harder to get it and who have to go that extra mile to understand; that’s okay. I know it’s okay, because that is I.

            We forget to recognize the effort put into things- we automatically just jump to what the end product is; what about the journey it took to get there? I have been encouraged to teach to a diverse population, which includes: race, gender, learning differences, religious differences, difference in opinion, and other differences. I fully take on that challenge of teaching to the differences, because I know exactly how it feels to be different. As a teacher I’ll embrace, teach, and encourage the differences. 

Some essay I had to write for something..figured I'd share it. 

xo

Above All Else...

I read this book. It took me a few months, because school limits my time to read books that I want to read. But months later, I finished it. Let me tell you, I have never had a book make me feel so many different things while reading it. I cried, laughed, felt sad, and even frustrated. I got emotionally involved in the book! 

This book is about a woman's, Gwen Brobst, battle with cancer. It focuses on her and her husband's, Don Brobst (yes, the author), journey through the thirteen months of her having cancer. This book is so raw and honest. Don gives first hand glimpses into all the different situations Gwen and him had to deal with. It also includes different journal entries from Gwen, their daughters, and son. This isn't a book of made up fluff, but real and forthright accounts that the Brobst family dealt with. He doesn't just talk about the cancer but he explicitly shares about his and Gwen's love for each other. Do you like those Nicholas Spark love story books? Pshh, read this and you'll know what a real love story looks like; a love story filled with difficulties, prayer, passion, joy, and honesty. Don brings the reader back, to the earlier days in their relationship, to family vacations, to him being sick in the past, and sweet moments with Gwen and his family. 

Reading about Gwen is mind blowing. Gwen seemed to be the perfect mix of strength and gentleness, sweet and fiesty, and firm and agile. Everyone she came in contact with, was touched by her. She didn't necessarily have to say anything to them (but she seemed to be able to start a conversation with anyone), but they were just touched by her demeanor; her infectious smile, beautiful hair, her dimple. It's funny how I talk about her like I know her, but that's how the book makes you feel! You close the book thinking you know Don, Gwen, even their kids and son in law--Wendy, Andi, Jonathon, and Jason (and I mean this in the most uncreepy was as possible, haha). I'm telling you, this family is beautiful and inspiring. Their strength, faithfulness to God and each other, and their love is something to definitely read about. 

I think the biggest thing I took away while reading the book is that no matter the circumstances, no matter the situation we are in, God must be glorified; above all else, God is to always be glorified. 

His will be done. 

Some of my favorite parts in the book:

" God says in Isaiah 40: 29 that He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. That's comforting, because that's me." - Gwen

" Yes, we matter to God. We count to him-- all of us." -Don

" I know who you are; you are the knight in shining armor running into the dragon's cave to rescue me. You are the warrior that climbs the tower to kiss me and take me away from the beast, You're the man my parents warned me about, the man I've always dreamed about...." -Gwen referring to Don

"Who is my dad? He is the first man who made me laugh...He is the first man who made me cry...He is the first man who took me out on father-daughter dates and taught me my worth in Christ's eyes...He is the man who disciplined according to God's Word...He is the man who not only taught about loving the Lord but also showed me how...He is the man who loves my mom more deeply than I ever could have imagined...He is the man who taught me that a marriage should be founded on the Lord..." - Andi referring to Don

There are so many great little things about the book. Like the way Gwen always called Don "mister" or the way everyone knew that Gwen was Don's girl, Andi always ended her posts by writing, "Pray for mom. She is Daddy's girl." It's little things like that, that i'm so glad they incorporated into the book. Those small details make the book so personal and intimate that it's hard not to want to keep reading, and loving each person that is mentioned in the book. What's cool about it, is that these people are not "characters" that are made up, but real people that exist and that are just as human as the rest of us. It encourages me to see that things are not easy at all, but with God...

With God, the circumstances change, perception changes...

Thank you Don for writing this book.

Expectations and Standards.

I hear conversations people have, I see what is on t.v., I read through magazines, and it is clear what people think is "good" and what their standards are. People today act on impulse. They go with what they feel at the moment. They have sex with whoever is available to satisfy a feeling they have at the moment. You know what people think is ok? Having relations with a man that already has a commitment to another women-whether it be a girlfriend or wife- and I'm not just talking about sex, but just flirting with them and clearly handing your heart over to them because you like to feel wanted and needed and heard. Society teaches us exactly what NOT to do. They have lost sense of purity, respect, and "goodness." People want to say that sex is no big deal, it's just something they do to satisfy another or themselves. It's just what people do. People talk about it so nonchalantly. We've lost the importance of intimacy, self esteem, respect, and vulnerability.

Listen, I'm guilty of a lot in the above. In my case, I tried to make myself think that intimacy was something that I'd worry about later in life, and that I can do as I please for the moment. I went off of feelings and did not ever think of the consequences or the way I'd feel about myself afterwards. It was not natural for me. I knew I was in the wrong, yet I continued to make stupid decisions and to just " go with the flow" and instead of being "difficult" and different, I just went with what I thought would be easy and not care. But really, I cared the entire time. I felt awkward, my insecurities were even worse, and I was uncomfortable, because I knew what I was taught. I knew what was right, yet I went against it and it would literally make me sick to my stomach. The more I would act on impulse, and go with what I "felt", the deeper I dug a hole for myself. At one point, I was drowning in my own thoughts, insecurities, sin, and loneliness. And i'm not just talking about sex, I'm talking the way people live their lives. People do not think, before they do. They just do, because "You only live once" and because, "I do what I want with my life." and because they've lost the ability to take responsibility for their lives. There is so much more to life...

" You shall know the truth & the truth shall set you free."
You want to know what my standard of truth is? God's very own word- the Bible. It's true, it's good, and it's what my life is meant to follow. It's not this big book of meaningless rules, but it's lessons, it's insight, it's the truth. Forget religion and the thoughts you have towards religion. I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about a meaningful and ever growing relationship with the Lord. I have a growing, beautiful, challenging (it's challenging because my own mind gets in my own way), and loving relationship with the Lord. I was so busy worrying about being sought after by a man and by other things in life, that I forgot that God seeks to spend time with me, and seeks to bless and love me. I just needed to do my part. I needed to surrender. I needed to be vulnerable with him. I needed to hand over all my ugliness to him, so he could make me pure and lovely again.

My heart aches for people loosing sight of themselves and loosing sight of how much more there is meant to be in life than what they make of it because of their own agendas. 

Community

Hello sweet darlings.

I've come to the conclusion that I have a lot to learn. No kidding, right?

People are such interesting beings. The way people deal with their feelings, emotions, different situations, with each other, and all other areas of life is so intriguing to me. I'm learning to learn from others. I think my mind set was always, "i'll figure it out" type attitude. But that's were I went wrong. I can learn so much from those around me (be it good or bad, that's why we have to be smart enough to make the right decision and trust God in all we do). I have friends that have taught me: not to sweat the small stuff, to love no matter what, to pray without ceasing, to trust harder, to talk and say what I mean/how I feel, & a billion of other things. 

I've always been a "people watcher" not to judge or the like, but because human beings are so cool to just study and observe. Today, we tear each other down and rip each other apart. If we took time to see the beauty in each person, it would be a completely different world, huh? Instead we quickly judge one another, we "hate" on each other, we talk about each other. & i'm not saying that strangers just do it to each other but "friends" do it to each other! It baffles me each time. Why don't we uplift each other more often? How about taking time and trying to actually understand each other rather than spitting out the first thing that pops up in our twisted and evil minds? That's what it means to be Christ-like, right? Loving so hard, unconditionally, and unceasingly. Someone told me, "everyone is great" and I thought about that for a few. This person can strike a conversation with anyone, anywhere; he's just that type of person. But it's so inspiring to see. He talks to people, because he thinks, "well, if I was here, i'd want someone to talk to me" & he has the attitude of, "why not?" Why not strike up a conversation with a person? Why not give someone a honest and sincere compliment? Why not hold the door for someone or help them pick up papers when they drop a pile of it on the floor? Why not go over and genuinely ask a person how they are doing? Why not smile a person just for the heck of it?

So many people have that independent/ self sufficient/ I don't need anyone - type attitude. Ya'll are hurting so bad and have no one to turn to because you've created this wall of distrust and you're not letting anyone in. Believe me friend, it will blow up in your face As humans, we're made to need each other. We need companionship. We need to converse. We need love. We need to learn to draw from God and then let Him shine through us in every way possible. 

Community is key.

xo

trust, love, encourage.

I want to encourage you to be persistent and keep seeking the face of God. 


Listen, I struggle. I struggle with jealousy, pride, stress, loneliness, and other inadequacies. BUT it says in Ephesians, "...let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes." I need to stop sulking and getting mad at myself for not "measuring up"; Who really measures up 100%?  No one. That's why in Lamentations it says, " The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning."-- That's something to shout about! The bible constantly reminds us that His love is steadfast [loyal, constant, unchanging, and dedicated]. Can you think of something in your life that is completely steadfast? Probably not. Why turn our backs on something that is constant, endless, and so precious? Don't get down on yourself for feeling incompetent. I know that's hard to do (believe me, I know), but trust God in all you do. 


During this Christmas season- and every day- love God, celebrate all that He has given you, thank Him, praise Him, worship Him, trust Him, and just embrace Him. He's waiting for us. 


& you know what will bless you? Love on others and bless others! There is a sense of sweet joy when you do something for someone else; do it. 


xo

What Was I Thinking?

The other night I was thinking...

" I always have to be there for others. I always have to be somewhat level headed. I always have to listen to others and their issues and help in the process of calming them down..." and bla bla bla

I've felt like that with friends, family, coworkers, classmates, and anyone else I come in contact with. Then I thought to myself..

"Who's going to to do that for me?! Why do I get stuck with other people's issues? When am I going to be comforted?"

Then I ask God to help me exercise peace, grasp wisdom, speak in love, and learn to rest. I trust Him and know He takes care of me. THEN I thought...

"Wow Anais, You're such a silly goose"

Here I am saying, I have a lot going on and that i'm tired. I'm complaining about helping others and whining about no one helping me; what a lie! What a sad twisted version of the truth. Yes, I'm there for people. Yes, I listen to their issues. Yes, I have things I have to deal with. But you know what I just realized? The way I deal with my issues is by getting my eyes off of myself, and loving on someone else. 

I actually like being there for people. I love that people trust me and want to share their hearts with me. I thought for a second that there must be something wrong with me if people always want to come to me, but it is the total opposite! People know I love them and know that I want joy in their lives. They know that I want to be there for them and that maybe in the midst of it all, I can make them laugh. They know that I have issues too, and maybe that comforts them and we can pray for each other's issues. & what in the world was I thinking...

Basically, I need to stop being selfish and I definitely have friends and family that love me and that are there for me. And above all else, I have a God that loves me unconditionally and will never leave me nor forsake me: NEVER EVER EVER leave me and will FOREVER love me. 

I'm so thankful for my kick butt family and friends; and especially, for God's love for me. 

Just a suggestion...

I suggest that we all go in the Word of God and find out who we are in Him. We need to find it and repeat it to ourselves; speak it over ourselves. I know we should evaluate ourselves every now and then, check ourselves and our motives, but don't start doing that and then end up tearing yourself apart by the end of the whole "check ourselves" process. I have done that to myself too many times.

I get upset, I ask myself why I am upset, I check how I've dealt with myself being upset, I ask myself if that was the best way to deal with it, then I start analyzing: I think about what I could have done better, is this situation really worth me being upset, and the list goes on...
THEN I think, "wow, I'm so selfish", "i'm so needy", "i'm not worthy"....and I just rip myself apart and end up in this horrible lull. I end up feeling so low and so useless and end up having an emotional melt down. It's such an icky place to be. I think of one thing and it snowballs into this pathetic pity party.

But you know what, that was a lot of "I." That was the problem. I made it all about me me me me me. I forget that it is Christ that lives in me. It is Him who delivers me. It is Him who makes me strong--How easily that is forgotten-- He IS life! How can I live life without the one who IS life itself?

My sister told me, "don't lose hope."

I need to trust God in ALL things. One of the pastors at my church always asks, "You trust God? Even in the little things?" That's what I need to do. That's what WE need to do. Trust Him in the big, huge, small, tiny, medium, with ALL things. I'm trusting God. I know he has great plans, and I know he has my best interest in mind. He does and will continue to deliver, protect, love, guide, heal, and speak to me.

I am a new creature. I am made in His image. I am precious. I am a conqueror with Him. I am a vessel. I am a light. I am forgiven. I am renewed. I am free. I am victorious. I am an ambassador of Christ. I am called. I am God's child.

I am loved. I am so loved.