She

I walked in blindly, having no clue what my responsibilities were, what my role was, what my purpose was. I knew my heart, but I kept thinking,  “how can I make my intentions a reality?” All I knew is I loved this man and all that came with him-- his baggage, his messiness, his loveliness, and his beautiful kid. She was 3 years old when I met her. She was shy yet curious, concerned, yet interested.

As years passed, I found myself lost in what to do, how to do it, where to interject myself. Finally, we got married. We officially become a family of three. We became the Hazards. Something happened that day, something happened to me and something happened to her-- my now 9 year old - bold , curly haired step daughter. She became my baby girl and I her Ani. Not mom, not Anais, but her Ani. I love her, correct her, challenge her, push her, and adore her. And you know what? She does the same for me.

We’ve developed something special, something sweet, something different, something that is our very own. I may not have physically given birth to her, but she has helped birth the mother in me. I’ve found a courage deep within me, a grace that was unfounded, and a forgiveness that was lost. She’s helped shape me. She has no idea how much she has brought into my life; she’s brought chaos along with adventure and everything in between. I’ve found myself being stretched, pushed, and pulled in directions I didn’t even know existed.

I feel undeserving of this love, but yet it has been given to me. One of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard in this lifetime are, “I love you, Ani.” All else can be messed up in this world and everything can be turned upside down, but when I hear those words, I know all is well.

l-o-v-e

I have always craved love. I think we all do. 

As a kid, I watched people carefully; I listened carefully to the things they said and attentively watched as they interacted with each other. I never really reacted to much, but I soaked it all in. I would replay things I saw over and over in my head to try and make sense of it; if I couldn't make sense of it, I would make up a story that made sense to me and helped me put the pieces of the puzzle together. You know, like when you see two people walking and one has a scowl, while the other is walking in determination-- well, the story I'd make up to that is: one person tried to speak their mind, while the other totally disagreed and lashed out and was going to prove why they disagree by taking them to the very spot the incident happened to prove why they are wrong and to rub it in their face. Then maybe they'd make up and laugh it off and decided it was a stupid argument to begin with. You know, something like that. 

I've always been a people watcher. I'm observant and some times read too much into things. 

I'd watch as my family members spoke and treated each other and how they treated me. I'd watch as my parents did the best they could with what they knew and what they had. I craved to know people's stories and I craved to be loved and let others know about love-- even though I knew so little about it. I thought of love as a game. You needed a certain amount of something to be loved or deserve love. I'm not sure where this idea came from, because like I said, my parents did the best they could with what they knew and what they had. I know they loved me and love me. I thought love was on a deserve-only basis. You did this, you get love. You did a little more of this, and you might just get a little more love. I'm not sure if it was all I soaked in from my people watching ways or what, but I had this twisted way of thinking. As a result, I grew up thinking I wasn't sure I was deserving of much. I over compensated and over thought everything. I was determined to not let anyone think I wasn't deserving, so I did all things seemingly possible to deserve as much as possible-- not materialistically, but emotionally. I thought I just wanted some positive recognition, but I think the root of it all was that I just wanted some love. 

I started going to church with my family at 8 years old. That's the funny thing about church, it doesn't mean anything to one's self until WE have our OWN encounter with the Lord. It tok a long time for me to know the love of Christ; undeserving, unfailing, and fulfilling love. Then, God was gracious enough to bless me with a husband that loves me so beautifully. He loves me enough to call me out when needed, to remind me of who I am in Christ, and to love me in all my messiness. I've always been loved, I just didn't know it. 

& so are you. Walk in it and believe it. 

xo

Realization

I have come to realize a few things about myself and my perception of situations, things, and people around me. For example, I noticed that I believe in God's promises, but I have not had a true revelation of them. I read God's word; I see it, I hear it, but have I had a true revelation of them? Do I see them in my life? Have I been complacent and forgotten to be grateful and see the everyday miracles?

As a parent, I do not find myself giving my step daughter gifts only when she does something awesome; I like to surprise her with gifts here and there, because I just love her so much and want to bless her as an outpouring of my love for her. How much more does God want to do that for us? As a result of that, I've also noticed that in my walk with God I always saw God as my savior and king; I really struggled with the thought of God being my best friend, because I counted myself as so unworthy of that relationship with God. It's true, I'm not worthy of being called a friend of God. I haven't done anything to earn that relationship, but that's what makes it a sweet gift; an unmerited, favorable, empowering gift. He's gracious and considers us his very own.

I find myself asking a lot of questions, confused, and frustrated at times; with myself, with others, even with God. I've started to come to God with that and lay it before Him. It is all still so new to me. I feel uncomfortable telling God that I'm questioning His word or his ways (which is so silly when I say it out loud because His ways are MUCH HIGHER, like way way higher than our ways) but God still listens and doesn't find me silly, yet gives me his ear, loves me, and guides me. I am honest and tell my husband what is on my heart or things that I am questioning all the time, because he is my best friend; we communicate often. In order to maintain a relationship we need to communicate and be open-- How much more should I come to God with those questions and life's issues? 

My birthday is coming up and I expect gifts, duh. What if someone gave me a gift and I thanked them and hugged them for it, but I just left it on my kitchen table. I walked by it every day, and smiled when I looked at it because it is wrapped so nicely. Everyday, for days, months, and even years, the gift is sitting on the table. Did I ever really receive it? I'm thankful for it, but I haven't opened it, I haven't seen the gift. I don't know what potential that gift has; it may have the potential to give me a new outfit, or a manicure, or new accessories, or something to brighten up my classroom, or money, or a trip to a beautiful destination-- so much potential! Not until I truly receive it, open it, and accept it will I be able to see it's full potential. Until then, all the potential stays wrapped up in that gift, just waiting for me to open it. Isn't it the same with all that God wants for us? IT'S THERE, we just haven't grabbed a hold of it. How do we grab a hold of it? Trusting and seeking God. 

God says to seek, because He can be found. He says to knock, because He'll open he door. He's not trying to play games with you or me. I often get in a lull and forget who I am or wonder if I am truly walking in my purpose. The only way is with THE way. I don't have it all figured out and I can be messy, but I know that God has got me. 

Guarded

I have the awesome opportunity to work with people coming from all sorts of backgrounds with all different stories to tell. As a teacher, I get to see "ah-ha" moments that help me know that I am doing alright in this teaching world. Sometimes though (more often than I thought), I get guarded, tight fisted, difficult students. That's how we see them anyways. It always goes deeper than that. 

I have to constantly remind myself: They aren't mad at me, they don't mean some of the things they say, they aren't annoyed with me. 

Maybe they got in an argument with mom before they left the house.

Maybe they're tired from staying up the night before due to a variety of circumstances that are unknown to me.

Maybe something happened hours, days, months, or years ago and they still carry it with them every single day. 

Maybe life can actually be difficult for a middle schooler. 

So many times, we, as teachers, want to shove academics down their throats when so much more is going on in their lives; how can they be expected to focus on the task at hand? This has always been a struggle for me. As teachers, we have a duty to teach them. But as a human being with feelings, I also find it equally important to help the student grow in all other aspects-- teaching to the whole student.

But what can one do when you're not sure what is going on with them? All I can do is keep going, keep trying, keep pushing; because I know they see it and feel it; my heart for them-- all of them. Even if I'm not 100% sure that they know and see my intentions, I can at least hope they do. Because I'm not going anywhere and I don't want to give up on any of them. 

Marrying Me.

I find myself 2 days away from marrying my main man. Like, how did I get here?

I grew up with so many insecurities, with so many doubts, in so much mess, but even in the midst of the fog, I found myself hoping and desperately seeking for glimpses of hope every where I went. Someone has chosen to love me and keep me for all of his days-- even with all my mess and imperfections. He has made a conscious decisions to be there and do life with me; not ahead of me or behind me, but right along side me. And when I fall, pout, and throw an adult sized temper tantrum, he has promised to be there. We have so much to learn and we have just begun to see the great things that lay ahead of us. We've decided to jump in with both feet-- we know it will be work, work that we've never had to encounter; we know it will not always be easy; we know we will have to intentionally love; we know we have to communicate, even when we don't feel like it. But we also know that we are gaining our very own happily ever after; we know that God needs to be the center; we know that we are for each other.

I wonder, how did I get so blessed? What did I do to deserve this? Why would anyone want to spend the rest of their life with me? I'm not putting myself down as if I do not have any great qualities, because [thanks to God] I recognize that I have been gifted in different ways-- but even then, I'm amazed at his tendency to explore my gifts, learn about me, and want me. How incredibly cool is that?

It really is just a small fraction of what God's love is like. It's a reflection of how Jesus loves the church. I see it when I'm with Jamaal. I see the love of Christ in his eyes. It's a love that is much deeper, wider, and bigger, than that " oh she's hot" type of love. It's that love that will stick around, even when I don't understand why, even when I'm not communicating well, even when things are rough, but also when things are going swimmingly. I get to see "love endures all" with the one and only man that has totally captured my heart. Neither of us did anything to deserve this, but God in His gracious love, has allowed us to experience such a sweet love during our lifetime on earth.

I don't take it lightly.

I am becoming a wife. And this will be one of the coolest things I've ever encountered.

Self.

Self absorption
Self image
Self pride
...

We, as people, have become so egotistical. We, as the body of Christ, have forgotten where we came from. We need to remember how Christ saved us all from hell when we consciously decided to follow Him and let Him lead us; the cheater, the murderer, the thief, the doubter, the liar. Even you, the good person with a not so bad past. We were all on the same road of self destruction without Christ. Not one is better than the other, not one sin is more prominent than the other. Please let us never forget the grace gifted in us, the mercy offered to us, and love lavished on us. Because we have been bestowed grace, mercy, and love, we - as ambassadors and reflections of Christ- are called and commanded to also bestow it on others. And not calling us to bestow upon strangers or unbelievers only, but those that have hurt us, used us, and even abused us. We all have those people that have done us wrong, whether intentionally or unintentionally. We are called to have grace and mercy on them; far from easy or desirable to us, I know-- believe me, I know. We've made life all about us; leaving others behind, forgetting to glorify God with our lives, disregarding the lost. We have ALL fallen short.

BUT there is good news! We can make a conscious decision to love, be graceful, and be merciful. God does not scoff at us and turn his back on us when we may feel like the exact opposite of graceful, loving, or merciful. Actually, He wants to be there with us every step of the way; holding our very hands and working in and through us. We have to surrender and trust what God is doing; we just have to. Even when we don't feel like it, even when we feel entitled to our feelings of hurt, even when we're upset, even when all is going well-- we need God. Th creation must know the Creator; know Him intimately and personally.

I'm learning to truly live this all out. I pray you join me in the journey.

xo

Finding Myself...

The two stages in my life where I learned the most about myself were the middle school years and the college years. Although both are very different, they are also very similar.

Both are considered precursor points to major life stepping stones. Middle school is right before the exciting and new high school years and college is right before the launch into "real life" and careerism. Middle school is like the forgotten child. It's not like elementary where you get a lot of foundational skills and all the mushy attention, on the other hand, it's not high school where you have to make a good impression for the choices ahead; SATs, grades, sports, applications. In both middle school and college, one is trying to figure themselves out. Who do I want to be friends with? Am I any good at sports? Can I sing? Have I ever thought about theatre? Do I tell people what I believe in? A person can feel lonely and scared or can thrive and persist in either situation. Or maybe it's a roller coaster ride; up and down with the feeling of wanting to throw up from time to time.

Starting in middle school, I came into my own; figuring out who I was in the Lord, what kind of person I wanted to be, and how I was going to make it in this wretched life. In college I learned - and experienced- how God is for me. I began to get a glimpse into the bigger picture. I felt what it was like to be undermined. I knew how it felt to be accomplished, but unsatisfied; how it felt to be loved, but rejected; how it felt to be eager, but confused.

Maybe that's why I teach middle school, maybe that's why the college years are scary and exciting for me to watch someone experience. Maybe we should encourage one another, not just the go-getters, but the ones that seem confused and lost. Maybe we should pay attention to the journey and not just the end results. Check in with each other, love one another, every moment counts.

We underestimate how important every stage, every phase, every day is; each an experience that is significant.

Push forward, friends.

xo